Fruity Rumpus Factory
by Neko-Houkou
Summary: Between an online Troll and drama with life in general, Dirk seeks some level of happiness. He doesn't believe in destiny, but maybe he will find it when he takes a four day trip to see his brother. Or he might find something else entirely... Starts with DirkxJake, ends with DirkxKarkat and other pairs. Human!AU. T for Homestuck and adult themes. Warning: chatlogs will be used.
1. Hate at first site

Look who's updating even though they're supposed to be taking a break!

I just wanted to get this started before the big Strider Reunion, because I have no idea how Karkat will react and I am almost afraid.

I d not own Homestuck. Maybe I will post something about my official kickstarter-designated OTP at some point...

* * *

Dirk barely even registered the names of the chat rooms as he scrolled down the page. He didn't do this very often, but every now and again it was nice to hear about other people's problems so he could forget his own for a few minutes.

Jake had been… Well, acting distant, as he was wont to do sometimes. Sometimes he would just get really skittish and end their dates early or just call them off altogether. Dirk was trying to hold things together but it felt like Jake was slipping further and further away.

He wished he could talk to Roxy about it. Sadly, she was also Jake's friend, and over the years Dirk knew he had put more baggage on her than she deserved. Especially since during some of her less sober periods she had admitted her love for him. He did love her, but not the same way, so he was loathe to discuss romantic matters with her anymore.

He was still on bad terms with Jane. After all, he had essentially snatched Jake from right underneath her nose. It was honestly sad that he couldn't remember the last time he had a pleasant conversation with her.

And then, of course, his younger brother was gone. Not dead, that would be really fucking sad. No, Dave was off at college along with Roxy's little sister. They'd both gotten into Derse University. Actually, Jane and Jake's cousins had both gone to Prospit University just half an hour away. The four kids were even renting in a house together with some of their new friends. Both Universities, however, were over 200 miles from where Dirk was sitting at his computer trying to find a not-pornographic chat room.

Dirk got along with the other three kids, even if they were six years younger. But even if they weren't so far away, they were second year college kids, and he didn't want to be bothering them while they tried to establish their independence and have some fun. He did talk to his brother from time to time. Mostly, though, he let his bro enjoy an experience he never got to have himself.

Just before Dirk was supposed to go to Derse himself, their parents had passed away. His tuition was taken care of, but Dave wouldn't have been. He got a job doing computer repairs and was now helping with robotics and software. Even without an official degree, he was a valuable worker because of his quick learning and natural affinity for technology. They'd paid for him to get his Bachelors through an online program, at least. Now Dave had his own scholarship and his own chance to find a place in the world.

Dirk shook his head, clearing out the lonely feeling of being left behind and focused on the computer screen.

How the hell had he gotten here?

The logo read TeamTroll, and the drop-down menus didn't look any more promising. Cosplay, Role-play, Philosophy, Robotics… Well, at least he knew how he got there. He'd been looking for another nerd to geek about the latest tech. It would have been better than another bout of relationship pity-parties anyway.

Before clicking the menu he scrolled down to see what the website was all about, because if it was porn again he would need to clean his browser history just for the peace of mind.

He was rather surprised by a series of announcements from what appeared to be the website moderator

twinArmageddons posted at 2:12am on 12/12/12

2orry, but the 2iite'2 going two be down for maiintenance on the 4th

twinArmageddons posted at 6:26pm on 12/20/12

Announcement on behalf of arsenicCatnip

Hello furrends. Don't furrget that the convention is coming up next month :33

twinArmageddons posted at 7:47am on 12/29/12

our chatlog2 are now up. Feel free two u2e them for fun, trolliing, or whatever the hell you want two do. ju2t keep two the topiic of the room!

He was a little put off by the typing quirks, but thought he might as well give it a try. He clicked the chat room menu and glanced over the titles. He found one on mechanics and was about to click on it when something else caught his eye.

R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTY TOWN. In every single color of the rainbow, of course. He was slightly tempted to click on it, but figured this might be one of the rooms dedicated to trolling, as permitted by the webmaster, and it might start flashing odd colors. gallowsCalibrator might be one of those people who enjoyed watching others seize.

He then glanced at the one below that. FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY. The words were all black, unlike the title of the room this one seemed to be parodying. It was run by carcinoGeneticist.

His mouse hovered over the link for a few moments while he debated. He had to wonder if it was just some random guy raging. It might be fun to see what the users were arguing about. A click of the mouse later, he was in the room.

timaeusTestified began trolling at 10:41

He waited for a moment, changing his text color to orange, then realized the only other person logged into the room was the creator. It was only a few seconds before his presence was acknowledged with angry grey text.

CG: fuck, who is this?

CG: if this is another one of your pranks GC then fuck off

CG: you aren't impressing anybody

TT: What's with the shitty greeting?

TT: Seriously, I haven't even been here for ten seconds and you're already jumping the gun like a track runner who has no idea what the hell he's doing

TT: Calling me names and accusing me of shit I didn't do

TT: What is this, kindergarten?

CG: just my luck

CG: another smartass

TT: Hey, at least I'm keeping you company

TT: I bet it gets lonely in this room with you yelling at anybody unfortunate enough to think this might actually be a fun place

CG: if you were looking for fun I suggest you go find the nearest ditch and lie in it

CG: until a rabid raccoon comes scavenging for your repulsive flesh

CG: I certainly think that's a fun idea!

TT: Dude you have a sick sense of humor

TT: And I mean that in the worst way possible

TT: Wait, I take that back

TT: What just popped up on my screen didn't even come close to humor.

CG: it wasn't meant to be genuinely funny, dipshit

CG: there's this thing called sarcasm

CG: that pops up every once in a while like some fucking internet advertisement

CG: and it looks really sincere like the little old lady who lives down the street and gives out cookies to the neighborhood kids

CG: and then it smacks assholes like you in the face just as you're about to enjoy the warm chewy goodness of a chocolate chip mouthgasm

TT: First off, doesn't needing to explain the fact that you were being sarcastic defeat the purpose?

TT: Maybe if you went in a more roundabout backhanded manner you could insult me and I would actually know it?

TT: Secondly, what kind of depraved person uses the word 'mouthgasm'

CG: That would require some effort on your part

CG: Unless I'm just wasting my time insulting someone who's too much of an imbecile to understand the nuances of a good jab

CG: and it was part of the metaphor, you fucking nooksniffer

TT: that was a shitty metaphor

TT No continuity whatsoever

TT: I felt like I was reading a postmodern dystopia novel

TT: Written by a 12 year old

CG: If you think throwing around fancy vocabulary about literary styles and the obviously damaged outcome of any crackpot idea for a perfect society will make me believe your intelligence is above that of a primate

CG: Think again.

TT: Just admit that your metaphor was bullshit

CG: Fuck off, nooksniffer!

TT: As much as I would love to go back and forth all day calling names

TT: I would genuinely like to know what the hell a nooksniffer is since you've used it twice already.

CG: It's slang

TT: For what?

CG: For jackasses like you

TT: then why not call me a jackass?

TT: Dude, I really want to know.

TT: Wait, you are a dude, right?

CG: Yes I am a fucking dude you nooksniffer!

CG: And it's more complicated than that

TT: Then explain.

TT: Or can you not, since you made it up?

CG: I did not make it up!

CG: It relates to putting your face near someone else's genetals

CG For the sole purpose of taking a good long whiff

TT: dude, I knew what it meant

TT: I was being sarcastic.

CG: FUCK YOU

carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling

Pleased with his results, Dirk logged out of the chat as well. He had heard Roxy use the term several times when referencing an online friend, Calliope. Not that Calliope had ever called Roxy the word. Rather, it was part of some sort of cultural study that Calliope was doing. If only he could remember what the culture was called. As he closed the website window, he wondered if it had to do with trolls.

He pushed his chair away from his desk and stretched his hands over his head. There was no sense in starting another chat now. As he shut the desktop off, he wished once more that there was more to do in the middle of Nowhere, Texas. Still, pissing off the angry guy at the other end of the chat had been somewhat amusing. He would have been nice if CG wasn't such an ass.

Ready to get some sleep, Dirk shucked his wife beater and pants; it was too hot to sleep in anything more than his boxers. His mind managed to keep off the subject of Jake. Unfortunately, that only left him free to think about the schematics for his latest creation; Sawtooth. Schematics weren't boring for him, so they didn't put his to sleep. Eventually though, he drifted off.


	2. Second Helping

There are some dirty jokes in this one. I tried my best to get into the Strider mindset with the humor, but if I screwed up please let me know!

I do not own Homestuck. Dirk is going to chop the meteor in half and that is how Karkat is going to get the brakes he wants oh-so much. CALLING IT!

* * *

Dirk's mouse hovered over the chat room link for the second time. It had been a few days since he had been on the site. Between chatting up Roxy and trying to spend as much time as he could with Jake he hadn't given it a second thought. But it was another one of those nights where Jake didn't want to hang and there was nothing else for him to do.

His own chat client popped up, letting him know Roxy was available for a conversation. He wasn't logged in, but her drunken typos started scrolling along the screen anyway. As fun as talking philosophy with a drunken Roxy could be, after his disaster of a date with Jake the day prior he was in no mood for another love confession.

He closed the IM window and clicked the link. carcinoGeneticist, as expected, was the only one in his room.

timaeusTestified began trolling at 11:10pm

CG: Oh fuck.

CG: You again?

TT: Seriously, what does a guy have to do to get a simple 'hello' around here?

CG: If you weren't an uncivilized nooksniffer, maybe I would be more pleasant

TT: I'm calling your bluff

CG: You are absolutely right

CG: There's no getting anything past you

TT: Nobody knows bluffs like I do.

TT: I go for walks sometimes on the beach. And then I stand on the edge of that precipice and stare off into the distance.

TT: The sunset bathes my silhouette in light and the waves crash onto the bluff, making tiny sparkles

TT: Guys and girls alike swoon because I am just so fucking awesome. I am the quintessential anime seaside bluff character.

CG: I bet you're some kind of sick pervert and you get off on trying to make me squirm with all of your nonsense.

CG: well guess what jackass?

CG: I am sitting over here with a stoic expression on my face not even twitching so much as a goddamn eyelid

CG: I am as stiff as a fucking board

CG: so what now?

TT: pffft

CG: what?

CG: Wait!

CG: NO FUCK THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

TT: you typed it, not me.

TT: If I'd known I was going to be dealing with a pervert I would have gone elsewhere.

CG: I'M the pervert?

CG: You were the one who assumed there was a sexual connotation!

TT: How would you know?

TT Maybe I didn't assume it was perverted until you brought up the fact that there was a double entendre.

TT: Maybe I was laughing because I think the word eyelid is fucking hilarious. Did you even stop to consider that?

CG: I hate you so goddamn much.

TT: Is that a pickup line in Alternia? I just remembered that's where nooksniffer originated.

CG: Don't flatter yourself.

TT: I think it is.

CG: FUCK YOU

CG: I may have fucked up my relationships

CG But that does not mean I'm desperate enough to go find the first tool online who will have anything to do with me and start cyber sexting or whatever the fuck it's called.

TT: I will give you credit for the fact that I genuinely believe you don't know what cybering is.

TT: But I can't say I'm surprised you're single if you act like this irl

CG: You don't even fucking understand

CG: You didn't fucking have to deal with being an outcast in a society where oh look it's time for you to mind your own goddamn business!

TT: If it wasn't so clichéd, I would tell you about how hard I am rolling my eyes at you

TT: Don't go around blaming society for your inability to be pleasant human being

TT: It's not like you're the only one with relationship problems

CG: Oh, yeah, Mr. IAMSOFUCKINGCOOL? Mr. IWISHYOUWOULDJUMPOFFTHATBLUFFANDDROWN?

CG: I bet you're some old creepass who live in his parents' basement and has never gotten laid.

TT: You shouldn't go around assuming that everybody you meet online is the exact same as you

CG: I do not fucking live with my parents, you do not get to know my fucking age, and I have gotten laid thank you very much.

TT: There's no reason to thank me.

TT: It's not like I was the one getting you off, unless you really do get a boner every time you see my beautiful orange text flash across your screen

CG: You depraved fucktard.

CG: Get out.

TT: You're free to log out anytime too

CG: This is my chat room and I refuse to let you drive me out.

TT: You'd rather be driving in?

CG: GODDAMNIT WHY DO YOU EXIST?

carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling

timaeusTestified began trolling at 11:23pm

TT: Before you start with your oh so pleasant greeting, I have a question for you.

TT: Last time, I mentioned Alternia, and you didn't comment. Is that really where you live?

CG: I grew up there, but I don't live there anymore.

CG: My current address is mind your own business you fucking stalker.

TT: Chill. I was just looking for a country of origin to explain your attitude problem.

TT: But my bro knows Alternians and he likes them, so I guess the mystery that is the stick up CG's ass remains as such.

CG: What is with your perverted obsession? Are you some kind of faggot?

TT: Yes.

CG: what?

TT: I'm homo. If you have a problem with it then that's just too damn bad.

CG: Fuck

CG: No

CG: I didn't think you actually were

CG: I thought it was just some hetero putting on an act

CG: I thought you would at least deny it either way

TT: That whole 'coming out of the closet' thing?

TT: I was never in the closet. I was always open about it with my friends, so why should I care what some douche on the other end of the internet thinks?

CG: Hey, I am trying to offer some sort of metaphoric olive branch, at least on the subject of your orientation.

CG: If you want to be a nooksniffer and push it away, fine.

CG: I don't give two shits about your orientation.

CG: But you are still a jackass

TT: You really know how to apologize.

CG: Why don't you just take that sarcasm and shove it so far down your fucking throat that you asphyxiate?

TT: Insults aside, why are you even backing off on the subject of my sexuality?

CG: That was one of the things I couldn't stand when the US annexed Alternia.

CG: There are some tolerant people. But then there are people who are less tolerant. Society at large is a bunch of fuckasses who discriminate based on something so unimportant.

TT: You gay too?

CG: I am not looking for online romance you nooksniffer! Didn't I explain that already?

TT: I was just curious, but I'll take that as a yes.

CG: Both

TT: What?

CG: I'm bi. If you're going to be commenting on it at least get it fucking right!

TT: I don't suppose the lack of understanding for your orientation is the root of all your angst?

CG: Oh you figured me out. Clearly that is the source of every single fucking problem I have.

CG: Tell me, oh great and all-knowing therapist, what is the next step? Should I go out and proclaim my love to both genders in a soliloquy, and tell all the fag-haters that I can accept their opinion as well

CG: Should I go out and try to woo the next unsuspecting person I see on the street, and get my heart broken or worse? Should I then smile and say its all okay because I can accept my sexuality?

TT: And I thought I had relationship issues.

CG: I hate you, and I'm done with this conversation.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

As Dirk closed his browser, he had to admit the conversation hadn't gone according to plan in the slightest. While it was true that he had never been secretive about whom he was interested in, it wasn't something he went out of his way to admit to people, especially those he had never met.

His friends had been very accepting when they first found out. Jake was actually the most supportive initially. Roxy and Jane had both been a little less enthusiastic, but for different reasons, obviously. But they had supported him, and that was what counted. As he reminisced, Dirk also couldn't help but wonder if CG had been less fortunate.

It really shouldn't matter to him, but Dirk knew it was a widespread issue. Still, he was a far cry from a political activist. He was a little more focused on making sure his own romantic relationship stayed intact.

Speaking of which, he should probably get to bed if he wanted to be up in time for his breakfast date tomorrow. It was the first time in a while that Jake had asked Dirk out and made the arrangements. The Strider was determined to make sure it went as well as possible.


	3. IRL

Have I ever mentioned that I like getting reviews? Because I really love reviews. And I tend to reciprocate by either giving my own review or following or fav'ing stories of the reviewer. Since **Lacie **doesn't have an account, I'm granting the request for another chapter. I don't do this too often, since I have exams and papers coming up, but I'm making an exception since she was the first person to review this story :)

I do not own Homestuck. In case you missed it last time, I am calling that the Strider bro reunion will happen when the meteor-sans-brakes tries to run into Dirk and he slashes it in half Bro-style. I'll feel stupid when that doesn't happen, but I'm still calling it.

* * *

Normally, Dirk would whack his alarm clock for buzzing at such and ungodly hour on a Saturday morning. Normally, it wouldn't even go off on a Saturday, so it was really a moot point. As it stood, though, the alarm was buzzing. It was doing it's hardest to inform him that today he needed to get out of bed in order to be on time for his date. Dirk would have whacked it, but he was already in the shower. He cussed underneath his breath the moment he realized he forgot to shut the stupid thing off before stepping into the spray.

Fortunately, he was just finishing up, and it didn't take him long to get out and silence the buzzing. Permanently. He hadn't slept well, and was a little edgy because of the significance of the date, and using his katana often helped him cope with stress.

Today was no exception. A satisfied smirk settled onto his face as he swept the mutilated device into the trash bin. Setting up the new one could wait until later. At the moment he was more concerned about finding a good outfit.

His concerns were hardly necessary. He had picked out an outfit after arriving home last night. Now, however, he was having second thoughts. He spent about twenty minutes rifling through his closet like some dim-witted anime girl before settling on a forest-green polo and a nice pair of jeans, which was exactly what he had picked out the prior evening. He dashed out of the room, but not before giving his favorite puppet a fist bump. He'd left Little Cal hanging long enough.

As he slipped into his car, he wondered what had brought about the sudden offer to go on a date. Jake had been in the middle of one of his bouts of avoiding Dirk for no obvious reason, when out of the blue he had offered to go out for breakfast.

Well, whatever the reason, Dirk was ecstatic to be going on a date with his boyfriend. Especially since it was a bit of a commute every time they wanted to be together.

It took him a little while to find a parking spot. The diner Jake had wanted to meet at wasn't extremely famous, but it was always busy around this time of day. Eventually he just parked at the far end of the lot and quickly made his way across the pavement when he noticed Jake's car was already there. It didn't take Dirk long to spot his boyfriend of 3 months. Jake was sitting in a booth, fidgeting with his napkin. He nearly jumped out of his seat when he realized Dirk was there.

"Good heaven, old chap! You're just as stealthy as ever!" he laughed it off, smiling as Dirk took his seat.

Dirk felt himself smiling in response. "You need to be more observant. What if you were off on an adventure and the bad guys slipped by you?"

"By jove, you're right!" Jake admitted, slapping a palm to his forehead for good measure. "I would hardly be a grand adventurer if I were so easily duped."

This was one of the things Dirk liked about spending time with Jake. It was so easy for them to slip into conversation after having been friends for so many years.

The waitress arrived before Dirk could respond. He was only half paying attention, so he didn't realize right away that she was already carrying two plates. She set them down and rushed away after telling them to enjoy. He looked down at the meal; omelette, bacon, sausage, hashbrowns for him, waffles and eggs for Jake.

When he looked up again, eyebrow quirked, Jake smiled sheepishly. "I hope you don't mind that I ordered for you."

Dirk smiled. Jake was kind of cute when he looked embarrassed. "Nah, you know I love a good omelette." He'd actually considered getting pancakes for once, but it was sweet that Jake remembered what he ate.

They tucked into their food for a quick moment before Dirk asked the question that had been niggling at him since yesterday. "How come you wanted to go out today?"

Jake looked up rather abruptly. If Dirk wasn't so stoic and trained in swordplay, he might have been startled by the quick movement. "Well, actually…" he muttered, setting down his fork. Dirk waited patiently as he fished around for what it was he wanted to say.

"You see… I… Uh… I wanted to celebrate."

Dirk blinked behind his ever-present shades. "Celebrate?" He didn't sound too excited. "Oh, Jake, did you finally get the archaeological job?"

Jake laughed, and Dirk had to wonder why he sounded so relieved. "Sadly, I'll still only be reading about adventures in far off places. I did get promoted to a managerial position at the publishing firm, though." He grinned, showing off his buck teeth.

"That's still something to be proud of! And don't worry, you'll get to see the world eventually," Dirk assured him without a single doubt in his mind.

"You think so?" Jake asked unnecessarily. "Until then I'll just have to keep a stiff upper lip and do my best as a proofer. Not that some of my colleagues make it easy!"

Jake rattled off about the incompetency of his fellow workers between bites of syrupy heaven. Dirk enjoyed his meal in a quieter fashion, nodding or commenting when Jake paused. He liked listening to Jake talk about how his life was going. Sometimes he would share, too, but Jake didn't understand technology as well as Dirk understood literature, so he was content to listen the majority of the time.

They split the bill evenly, as per their own rule, and headed out to their car. Dirk followed Jake to his vehicle first. "Sorry I don't have more time to spend. Perhaps we can meet up later this week?" Jake suggested, pulling out his keys.

"It's not a problem. I'll see you later." So saying, he gave Jake a kiss. Jake didn't object, but he ended it fairly quickly. Dirk wasn't surprised; Jake had never been one for public displays of affection. That he even let Dirk get away with it said something.

Having said their goodbyes, Dirk wandered back to his own car. Perhaps he should go home and sew a new outfit for Lil' Cal. The blue shirt the puppet was currently wearing was getting worn from the constant handling he'd gotten the last time Dave was home. Dirk sighed at the wave of nostalgia. Perhaps he should quit harassing his younger brother by secretly moving the puppet around when Dave thought nobody was home.

Just as he was about to slide the keys into the ignition his phone buzzed. He pulled it out to find a text from Roxy

Yo, Dirky. Me an Janey are gonna face-cam Callie today my place. Wanna join us lurvly ladies 4 some fun ;)

You know I'm down for that

Woooooooo. Its gunna b totes awesome

Dirk really couldn't object. He had chatted online with Calliope a few times, but he had yet to actually see her. They had met online through Roxy, though neither girl would say how they had first come to know each other. She would request drawings form him from time to time, and was effusive with her praise to the point that it almost embarrassed Dirk. Putting a face to the name of the sweetheart would be nice. It would be nice to visit Roxy, since he hadn't seen her in a while.

Jane on the other hand might not be so pleased to see him. Still, he would deal with her animosity, they would be civil, and they could both enjoy a pleasant conversation with Calliope.

It was a half hour later that Dirk pulled into the lot of Roxy's apartments. Taking the steps one at a time, because he was a cool dude and didn't feel the need to go bounding up the steps three at a time, Dirk was soon on the third floor landing and heading over to Roxy's. He didn't even bother to knock, as he knew the door was open when Roxy was home for the day.

"Dirk! Perfect timing!" Roxy called him over to her sofa, where she and Jane were comfortably nestled already. Roxy was still wearing her purple pajamas. Jane had her street clothes on, but Dirk wouldn't have been surprised if she had spent the night and only changed because she knew he was coming.

The laptop was perched on Roxy's knees, so Dirk made himself comfortable next to her just as the video stream popped up. Calliope, in addition to being possible the kindest person he knew of, was also a cutie, and if he was into girls he would probably have tried to court her. She was quite fair, with a black pixie cut and shining lime-green eyes. She smiled brightly as she realized they were now connected.

"Greetings! It's good to see you two girls again. I'm surprised to see you here, Dirk," she commented in a pleasantly surprised manner.

"What can I say? I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to talk to such a sweetheart."

"Ooooh, Calliope, you better watch out! He's a real lady-killer," Roxy winked. In the corner cam Dirk noticed Jane rolling her eyes at the exchange.

The blue-eyed girl turned her attention back to Callie before Dirk could comment. "How have you been, Calliope?"

The girl smiled brightly. "Things have been rather pleasant as of late. Thanks to all three of you I've been able to interview several Alternians throughout the nation. I should like to pass on my thanks to your relatives as well! Thanks to their connections I've even gotten into contact with acclaimed author and speaker Aranea Serket! And as the cherry on top, so to speak, even Caliborn seems to have taken an interest in my thesis!" The girl seemed to light up, and her enthusiasm was contagious. For a few minutes, even Jane and Dirk were able to talk like they used to, without the passive aggressive undertones and the hurting silences.

All good things must come to an end, though, and after about two hours of chatting with Callie the animosity returned, though not at its former intensity.

"It was so good to chat with you all. Dirk, please give my regards to Jake." And just like that the camaraderie had ceased.

Dirk nodded, his smile not faltering for the young woman's sake. "Will do."

"Jane, Roxy, I hope your baking venture turns out alright. I'd love to speak with all of you again sometime soon!"

The three twenty-somethings agreed wholeheartedly, and then Roxy closed the video chat. "So, Dirk, want to stick around for some fun with frosting?" she asked, waggling her eyebrows in an overly suggestive manner. At one time, Jane might have looked embarrassed and elbowed Roxy for making such a ridiculous innuendo, and they would all laugh. Now, she simply waited to hear what Dirk's response would be.

"I should probably get home. There's been a glitch in our latest software and we're running on a tight deadline.

Roxy threw her hands up, and then dramatically collapsed backwards onto Jane. The Crocker yelpd and tried to shove the limp girl upright once more. "Dirk, you never do anything fun," she whined, letting Jane shove her face first into where Dirk's lap had been a second before. Jane looked sheepish when she realized what she had almost done, but Dirk just shrugged it off as Roxy *le sighed* into the cushions.

"Sorry, Rox. Dave's smart, but there's still tuition to pay."

Roxy hoisted herself up and looked at him through narrowed eyes. "Dirk, I know you make more than I do. And you take all these extra assignments. You are running yourself ragged. You need to do something for you for once."

Dirk was honestly taken aback by the serious statement. He thought Roxy would just whine again. It would be a lie to say he knew how to respond properly. "I like my work Roxy. It can be tiring, but it's worth it to see the programs run or the machines whirring to life."

It was true, Dirk enjoyed his job. Therefore, it shouldn't really be an issue if he volunteered to work a few extra hours, right? "Anywho, I'll see you around. Tell your dad I said hi," he directed at Jane, who nodded in confirmation. Mr. Egbert had taken in Jane after her own father had died. When the Strider couple passed as well, he often helped Dirk take care of Dave. As such, the eldest Strider held great respect for the man. Jane understood his feelings, so Dirk knew she would be happy to pass along the message regardless of their current status as frenemies.

Dirk fully intended to start troubleshooting, as he had told Roxy, but there was something else he wanted to do first. Callie was an Alternian enthusiast without question. She probably could have told him what he wanted to know without much effort, but he didn't want to talk about his latest hobby of trying to get a rise out of CG. A quick google search should provide enough information. If it wasn't 100% accurate, all the better.


	4. Don't Say It

SO my theory about the meteor turned out to be a complete and total bust, not that I'm surprised.

But even though I have a really shitty track record, I'm still going to call another thing. Hussie will end Homestuck on 4/13/14. Why do I believe this? Because if you read the numbers backward it is still 4/13/14. CALLING IT!

**WARNING:** Contains Chatlogs only, and Equius and America bashing. Just so you know, I love America and my PT. I'm sorry the story is so chatlog heavy, but that isn't going to stop anytime soon, since this is the only form of communication Dirk and Karkat have at the moment.

I do not own Homestuck. It sounds like too big of a responsibility. Kudos to Hussie for surviving this long.

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 10:54pm

TT: What time zone are you in?

CG: What the fuck makes you think I would tell you that?

TT: Well, I did a little research. Alternia's off the east coast, which means its way past bedtime for angsty little teens like you.

CG: Do you even fucking pay attention?

CG: I said I don't live there anymore.

CG: And I bet your research consisted of fucking google maps. You wouldn't know jackshit about Alternia. Fuck, I bet you didn't even know Alternia was a country before you had to look up what a nooksniffer was!

TT: Actually, I already told you my brother knows several Alternians, and my one friend knows an enthusiast.

CG: Like I bother to remember such trivial details about who your brother spends his time with. Or that you even have a brother in the first place.

CG: Is he as much of an asshole as you? I doubt it.

TT: Hypocritical AND immature.

TT: I bet everybody loves you, wherever in hell you are.

CG: HAH. HAHAHA. Look at how hard I am laughing. Your play on words was so fucking hilarious I can barely type. I can't even see my screen through my tear-filled eyes I am laughing so hard.

CG: AHAHAHAHA

CG: Your humor has metaphorically slain me. I am now residing in the hell which you referenced earlier.

TT: You are so melodramatic.

CG: Better melodramatic than YOU.

TT: You're not on your A-game today. Did something happen?

CG: How the fuck would you know whether or not I'm on my A-game?

CG: Did you stop to think that, just maybe, I don't put forth my full effort for a nooksniffer like you?

CG: Did you ever consider the possibility that maybe I am saving my best material for someone who isn't a complete imbecile and is actually worth my fucking time?

TT: Sorry.

TT: Next time I will try to keep my completely legitimate and utterly sincere concerns to myself.

CG: Good.

TT: Do you know how hard that is?

CG: What are you talking about?

TT: Do you know how hard it is to not show my concern about other beings.

TT: I sit up for hours at night, staring out my window, wondering; Does the little old lady with the cookies ever have company? Do the kids eating the cookies get enough to eat at home? How many puppies have you kicked today?

CG: I cannot believe you just referenced something from our first conversation. How unoriginal can you be?

TT: I was just trying to prove that I do, in fact, pay attention.

TT: But if it bothers you that much, I'll try something new now.

CG: Oh really?

TT: yes really.

TT: Are you ready?

CG: Jegus, just fucking get on with it. How am I supposed to show you what an incompetent being you are when you're too fucking incompetent to even do anything?

TT: Okay

TT: Here it goes

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

CG: FUCK YOU

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 10:12pm

CG: You little son of a bitch

TT: It's nice to talk to you too, Sunshine.

CG: I am mature enough to admit that you had me fooled last time. But do not think I am going to put up with your bullshit again.

TT: If you want me gone, why don't you just block me from the room?

CG: I would LOVE to, but only TA and Ct have the authority.

TT: Who are those two?

CG: Do you know anything about this site, or were you just looking for prepubescent boys your own mental age to harangue?

CG: twinArmageddons and CenTaursTesticle. They run TeamTroll. And un-fucking-fortunately, TA refuses to keep you out of here for good!

TT: Why's that? Does TA think you're an obnoxious asshole, and refuses to help you?

CG: Just shut the fuck up.

CG: He normally leaves people to their own devices, but when I complained about you he looked up our logs. He thought you were just so FUCKING HILARIOUS!

TT: So not only was I right about what he thinks of you, he's like some kind of chat room voyeur?

CG: Do not project your own perversions onto TA. He is twice the person you could ever hope to be.

TT: Just admit it, you didn't ask to have me banned. You just like me too much to stop talking to me.

CG: Not even in your dreams, fuckass.

TT: Oh really? Then why are you continuously on this chat room, waiting for me to show up?

CG: I am in this room because I keep hoping that through some 'MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe', to borrow TC's terminology, someone NOT YOU will log in and I can have a decent conversation.

CG: Apparently this is a foolish hope, because you refuse to fucking leave me alone.

CG: Besides, this is MY chat room, so I don't have to do anything. If anyone here has the crush, it's you.

TT: Ah, you see right through me.

TT: I am completely and hopelessly in love with you.

CG: Fucking sicko.

TT: Now, now. There is no need to think I am disgusting for falling for you. I'm sure you have at least one quality that makes you not entirely repulsive and unfit for romantic interactions.

CG: People like you are the reason I am so unpleasant in the first place. If you weren't such a gog-awful excuse for a human being, and if there weren't so many others like you, perhaps society would have a chance at some sort of improvement.

CG: Instead, there are nooksniffers like you dragging down the learning curve, drowning the world in your stupidity.

TT: Sorry the US can't have such a stellar education system like Alternia. You know, where a ginormous fucking chunk of kids don't even get to go to school.

CG: How the fuck do you know about that?

TT: I got bored and looked up a few things. Just because you're an asshole doesn't mean Alternia isn't interesting.

CG: Right. And I bet you would just fucking love to talk all about how the United States of Assholes is so much better than Alternia.

TT: Don't flatter yourself.

TT: I said I got bored and looked up a few things, not wrote a thesis. Besides, I don't think there's any way to objectively say that one culture is superior to another.

TT: So just get off your high horse.

CG: Oh fuck

TT: That's all you have to say?

CG: Why did you type that word? Fuck.

centaursTesticle began trolling at 10:37

CG: FUCK

CT: Why is it that you are discussing horses?

CT: You know the r001es; stick to the topic of the room

TT: What's going on here?

CG: It's your fault fuckass.

CG: You had to type 'horse' and now look what happened, you imbecilic bastard.

CT: You will cease whatever discussion you were having before, unless you wish to move to the chat room specifically designated for equestrian dialogue.

CT: Furthermore, you will cease the 100d language, lowb100d. You know I have STRONG feelings about your foul mouth.

CG: Go to hell, centaurdick. I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now.

CT: You should be more respectful. I order you to be polite.

CT: But only if you so desire.

CG: Oh my gog, shut up. Just stab me through the brain

CT: That is a rather atrocious thing to say. I command you to cease this behavior at once.

CT: You would get your wonderful, disgusting b100d all over the f100r.

CT: I hope you will excuse me, I need a towel.

centaursTesticle ceased trolling

CG: Are you happy now?

CG: Are you satisfied now that we had to listen to that awkward ball of fuck?

TT: I'm not really sure I understood.

TT: Was he coming onto you?

CG: No. He just has some severe issues.

CG: Actually, after listening to that, you don't seem so depraved. But never, EVER type in that fucking word again, anything relating to it, or his username. He's got the system set up so that he gets an alert, and then we get to listen to him try to not get off to the conversation.

TT… That's why you purposely didn't type it in case sensitive.

CG: You are so smart! Would you like a fucking cookie, Captain Obvious?

TT: Only if it gives me a mouthgasm

CG: I take it back. CT is way less perverted than you. You are the single most depraved person I have ever had the misfortune of interacting with.

TT: There was something else that surprised me about your conversation with him.

CG: You mean there was something more interesting than the less than subtle innuendos? Please, enlighten me.

TT: I was more interested in his thing about blood.

CG: No.

TT: I haven't even said anything yet.

CG: I don't care. That is a cultural thing, and I am not going to take the time to explain it to you. It isn't your business anyway.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

timaeusTestified ceased trolling


	5. Dat Ass

Ok, so I'd like to start by apologizing for the gap in updates since I've gotten into the habit of updating every 4-5 days. I lost track of time and I didn't realize it had been over a week and I only had half a chapter written. Second, I want to give everyone a heads up, as I will be taking a planned break this time, and will not be updating until exams are finished next week. So you might get something on NEXT Saturday or Sunday, depending on how hard I crash.

I'd also like to apologize to the Jake haters, but the following scene is here for a reason.

I do not own Homestuck... Yeah, I don't feel the need to apologize for that one.

* * *

Dirk looked over his shoulder. He was feeling rather sore from his previous activities with his boyfriend. He was also feeling rather sore because of his boyfriend's current actions. "You're already leaving?" he asked, doing his best to sit up without wincing.

They'd been in a rush. Jake had been nearly frantic, and Dirk had been taken off guard by the English's fervor last night, to the point where the lube sitting in his drawer had gone completely untouched. Like fuck he would be doing it dry again anytime soon.

As Jake finally zipped up his fly, he turned his head to give Dirk a sidelong glance. "Sorry, chap, I've stayed too long as it is. If I don't get a move on, my supervisor will be rather miffed. I was only promoted two weeks ago, and I don't want to be considered a slacker."

He stood, and would have walked away if Dirk hadn't grabbed his arm. He was pulled back down onto the bed by the stronger Strider, and had a pair of arms make their way around his waist. Dirk rested his chin on Jake's shoulder. "You're not a slacker Jake. You got promoted for a reason, so who cares if you're a little late?"

Jake chuckled nervously. He tried and failed to extricate himself from Dirk's grasp. "I'm afraid my new boss is a mite less friendly than my last. Besides, isn't it good to hold oneself to high standards?"

Dirk sighed, kissing the other boy on the cheek before finally letting go. "You have a point."

"Glad you understand, old chum!" Jake smiled. Perhaps it was just the exhaustion, but Dirk could have sworn there was panic laced in his tone. "I'm off. I'll see you around, Dirk." Apparently finished with the conversation, he took off.

Dirk debated for a few moments before flopping back onto his bed. He winced as a dull pain shot up his spine. Luckily, he wasn't an editor who absolutely had to go into work on Saturdays. He doubted he would be able to sit at a desk all day in his current state. Hell, it would have been a miracle if he could have made the commute. At the moment he was just grateful he could turn onto his side and go back to sleep for a few more hours, having been kept up most of the night by Jake's out-of-character antics.

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 2:14am

TT: …

TT: Hello?

TT: crankyGeneticist, have you spent the whole day in front of the computer?

TT: Are you still on, or did you leave your computer on and your account logged in like a moron asking to be hacked?

CG: Just because I leave the chat client logged in doesn't mean I am going to jump on the second you start typing.

CG: I'm not some stupid puppy who pisses itself in joy every time somebody makes eye contact.

TT: But you responded when I whistled.

CG: I ought to bite you.

TT: If you would just be nice I bet you could get a tummy rub.

CG: I am abandoning this sick line of conversation in favor of a new one. Disgusting sicko pervert bastard.

TT: I'll humor you. What is it you want to talk about?

CG: Why the fuck are you in this room at 2 in the fucking morning?!

TT: I could ask the same.

CG: What have I said in the past about this being my room? Do you have some sort of disorder, or are you really just this imbecilic?

TT: Just because you run the room doesn't mean you have to be in here all the time.

TT: And to answer your question, you're always good for a laugh.

CG: So glad I could provide you with entertainment. I just live to be a fucking clown. TC is jealous of my ability to keep the crowd amused and make small children cry. If ever there was a fucking master clown, I am IT!

CG: and before you ask, yes that was a fucking reference.

TT: I'm not big into Stephen King.

CG: TC has terrible taste in movies.

TT: Who is this TC anyway? And why did you watch a movie with him?

CG: He runs the MiRaClEs room, why don't you go introduce yourself if you want to know who he is? As for the movie thing, we were none of your business.

TT: Is he your ex?

TT: I bet he's your ex.

CG: Goes to show what you know, which amounts to jack shit! TC is like my best friend/insane juggalo that I babysit. No way in fuck would I date him.

TT: All you had to do was tell me he was your irl friend in the first place.

CG: What?

CG: FUCK you tricked me you little shit.

TT: Not my fault you let your guard down.

CG: Seriously, why the fuck are you here? What do you want from me? Do you want me to have a mental breakdown or a temper-tantrum? Cause I've got news for you; I have better things to do than get upset because a fucking nooksniffer thinks he's the shit.

TT: If I wasn't the shit you wouldn't keep talking to me.

CG: I'm capable of multitasking. I thought that if you had such a pathetic life that you have nothing better to do at 2 in the morning than bother me then I should at least have the decency to remind you of your pathetic status.

TT: Multitasking? What, do you run rooms on other sites designed solely to pelt people with crappy insults?

CG: I'm writing computer software. Because, you know, I actually do something constructive with my time, unlike some people.

TT: Are you referring to your juggalo friend, because that's sort of mean. He isn't here to defend himself, after all.

TT: Also, I work with software as part of my living. If you want to impress me, you'll have to show me one fucking amazing piece of computer code.

CG: You're shitting me. There's no way a nooksniffer like you has the level of coding savvy to be able to so much a program a toaster.

TT: I built my own toaster, dude.

TT: Just let me see one of your programs. Unless, of course, you were just lying and looking at lolcats or something.

CG: FUCK LOLCATS AND EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR!

TT: what, do you hate cheezburgers that much?

CG: And if you are so eager to be proven wrong, then here, run this program: AAUUGH.~ATH

TT: Dude this is shit.

CG: There's no way you ran it so fast. Even if you did, you should be gone!

TT: Didn't have to. I extracted the code. What were you hoping to do with this? It takes up a lot of processing power, but your subroutines are so jacked it wouldn't cause the computer to spontaneously combust. Which I assume was your goal considering the 27th line of code.

TT: Maybe you should have TA or "he who shall not be named or even so much as mentioned again. ever." double check your shit before you go making a fool out of yourself online.

CG: How the fuck?

TT: If I couldn't troubleshoot something as basic as this, I would be living on the streets, eating week old ramen out of a cup.

CG: Well Mr. Bigshot, can you make it work?

TT: Yup, here you go: I_love_TT.~ATH

CG: You are so fucking hilarious. I mean that in a very sinsneer manner.

TT: Do you hear that?

CG: Of course not.

TT: Exactly. That is the sound of a deceased peanut gallery.

TT: They were so heartbroken at hearing your joke that they ate their projectiles and died of an allergic reaction.

TT: Wait, I think one of them is still alive.

CG: Fuck you.

TT: Let me check his pulse.

TT: Nope, dead. Sorry CG. Looks like you will have to find an audience that better appreciates your lack of literary talent.

CG: You hide behind your stupid metaphors, but really, you are no more a novelist than I am.

CG: So just get right the fuck off that pedestal before somebody more intelligent than you comes around and knocks it out from under your feet.

TT: Your concern for my wellbeing is touching.

CG: Yeah, I am just a touchy-feely kind of guy. In fact, I would genuinely like to hug you. Maybe if I squeeze all the air out of your lungs you will finally shut the fuck up.

TT: Sorry to disappoint, but I'm in a committed relationship. No one-time hugs for me.

CG: Your ego is so inflated I would be fucking amazed if your boyfriend could get his arms around you.

TT: That was a bit Freudian.

CG: Freud was a crack-pot, and you are an ass.

CG: FUCK

TT: I didn't say anything. You were the one who said it and then jumped to the most perverse conclusion about my amazing ass.

CG: Yes, you fucking did say something, you bastard. You brought the subject up even though there was nothing actually perverse there.

CG: Goddamnit I know you are fucking laughing at your screen right now. And I need to inform you since you're too stupid to realize it yourself, it isn't funny.

TT: You're right.

CG: And?

TT: And what?

CG: And you know fucking what! Where is the backhanded insult or the shitty metaphor?

TT: I was just trying to be nice. If you can't accept that then I'll take my business elsewhere.

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

CG: wait.

CG: apwuefh FUUUUUUUCK

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling.


	6. Bros and Hoes

Now that final exams are over, I'm back from my two week break! Updates should be more frequent now that I have some time. Maybe I'll even be able to crank out another Homestuck story before Hussie gets back to his updates.

Also, FORESHADOWING!

I do not own Homestuck. I wonder if anybody missed me?

* * *

"Hey, Bro."

Dirk let his lips quirk up into a smile. He didn't like to bother his younger brother too often, so he appreciated it when the younger Strider took the initiative to call. "What's up, little man?"

"We've got a break next semester, which happens to be at the same time as the Skaian Festival. Me and the gang wanted you guys to come up so we could all go together. Everybody's on the horn with their respective relatives right now."

"Really?" Dirk asked. There was some shouting in the background. "I take it Roxy said yes."

He could practically hear his brother smirking at the other end of the line. "Seems like it. So what do you say?"

"It shouldn't be a problem to get some time off of work."

"Excellent." There was a brief pause. Dirk, sensing that his brother had something else weighing on his mind, waited patiently for whatever news Dave was about to drop. "Bro?"

Dirk's eyebrows furrowed of their own accord. "What is it, Dave?"

"I also wanted you to meet my girlfriend when you visit."

Dirk's eyebrows shot up. Roxy didn't have the same reservations he did about calling her own sister, so he usually got the latest gossip indirectly through the Lalonde grapevine. This, however, was news. "That's no reason to sound worried. I'm glad you found somebody."

"Yeah, she's great."

The older Strider knew there was more to the statement. "But?" he prompted, slightly uneasy with his brother's own unease.

"She's a little bit overwhelming at first. Just please keep that in mind. And don't you dare tell her any embarrassing stories!"

Dirk audibly chuckled. "You don't need to worry. If you say she's cool, then she's cool. Although, I can't make any promises if she asks me about your childhood."

"Bro!" Dave hissed, although in Strider-language it was more of a whine.

The older brother outright laughed at Dave's embarrassment. "Take it easy, little man, you don't want to lose your cool like that when she's around, right?"

"Yeah, whatever," Dave huffed, letting his more childish side show. "So, I'll see you then?"

"Of course."

"Right, well, bye."

"Bye, Dave."

With that the brief conversation was over. Dirk stood and sifted through the stack of papers on his bedside desk, hoping to find his calendar amidst the schematics. He already knew the dates of Dave's break; there were outlined in cherry red. He'd thought his brother might come home for those days, but had held off on requesting vacation since he wasn't certain. It looked like he would be taking time off after all.

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 1:34pm

CG: what the hell?

CG: It's been a week. I thought I finally got rid of you!

TT: You noticed I was gone for exactly a week?

TT: You really do miss me when I'm not around, don't you?

CG: About as much as I miss the Holocaust.

TT: Harsh. That was taking it a bit too far.

CG: I will not apologize. Anyway, what the fuck are you doing here at a decent hour of the day?

TT: I thought I would mix it up a little. Set the blender to frappe instead of puree.

CG: I think I just died a little on the inside, that comeback was so shitty. Why did you bother coming back to the room?

TT: I missed your obscenely pleasant disposition. You seem to be a little mellower today, though.

CG: For the first time in I don't know how long, I've actually had a pretty good day so far.

CG: TC didn't set the kitchen on fire, CA and CC haven't gotten into a fight, and best of all GC has been gone since this morning. It's a good fucking day.

arachnidsGrip began trolling at 1:43pm

AG: helloooooooo cranky pants

CG: FUCK IT FORGET I EVEN SAID ANYTHING

CG: MY LIFE IS SHIT

TT: That was a rather extreme reaction.

AG: Oh, this is un8elievea8le.

AG: There's actually someone else in this room? I thought you always just spent your time 8y yourself, h8er.

CG: what do you want, arachnid8itch?

TT: Hey, AG, is he always like this?

AG: CG is just an angry little gru8 who can't even fess up to his own mist8kes.

AG: He likes to yell at everyone to hide his shortcomings. 8ut he can't hide from me, I see everything ;;;;)

CG: why don't you just go tangle yourself in one of your webs and die of starvation?

AG: Mind if I 8sk what 8rought you here?

TT: I was bored one day and stumbled into the room. I'm not sure why I come back, since CG is always so rude to me.

CG: I don't know why you come back either, you dipshit, especially since I keep telling you to stay the fuck out!

AG: I know, he can 8e so awful sometimes. It's no wonder GC dumped him.

CG: YOU CAN GET RIGHT THE FUCK OUT NOW!

TT: So GC is his ex?

AG: a8solutely. I'm surprised she even went out with this sorry ass in the first pl8ce. It's not like she was much of a catch herself, though ::::/

TT: Why's that?

CG: Shut. Up.

AG: She's a 8it of a weirdo, always going around sniffing people and licking stuff. She has terri8le eyesight, and she said it helped her see 8etter. Not to mention she has the most 8trocious cackle!

AG: She would spend all of her time drawing chalk pictures, while I would 8e off having adventures!

CG: You're just sore because she rejected all of YOUR advances, bitch!

TT: I take you know each other irl, AG?

AG: Yes, we see each other on a regular 8asis. It gets rather 8oring hearing CG use the same insults over and over again. He is a 8roken record. Luckily, though, I managed to move to a new 8uilding, so I don't have to put up with his 8ullshit anymore.

AG: You see, I have all of the luck ;;;;)

CG: You two are fucking pretending to ignore me, aren't you?

TT: I wouldn't say you have all of the luck.

AG: Oh, you dare to contradict me?

TT: I'm afraid I have to. After all, I must have some luck if I got to talk to you instead of listening to CG ramble on and on for an hour str8.

AG: Finally, I guy who can properly appreci8e me, and my typing quirk.

AG: what's your name?

CG: STOP FLIRTING!

TT: I'm afraid if I told you, I would have to kill you.

AG: Ooooooooh, a mysterious 8adass type. Aren't I a luck girl?

CG: HE'S GAY

TT: I'd offer to sweep you off your feet, but you don't strike me as the princess type. You're more like the kick-ass leader-gal. So what do you say we team up and go beat some evil warlock and rescue the real damsel in distress?

CG: IF YOU WANT TO ROLEPLAY GO BACK TO YOUR OWN ROOM, AG. YOU WILL NOT DO IT HERE, AND NOT WITH HIM!

TT: And by damsel, I mean CG, of course.

AG: I was thinking the same. We are a r8ther good pair.

adiosToreador began trolling at 2:07pm

CG: STOP FLIRTING!

AT: um, I haven't said anything yet.

AG: What are you doing here, toreadork?

TT: Wow, this room is surprisingly popular today.

CG: I was talking to AG, not you!

AT: oh…

AG: Spit it out 8oy. Why are you here?

CG: I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME!

AT: well, I uh, that is. You said we would be doing the group roleplay today, um, for the trollverse. And, you said, uh, to be there at one.

AT: but then, uh, you never showed up }:/

AG: Oh, I completely forgot. May8e if you actually did something to make yourself more memora8le and notica8le, I wouldn't have such a hard time remem8ering when we're supposed to do stuff together.

CG: AT, Would it kill you to not type out your speech in such a hesitating manner? I mean, I know you're shy but god is it really necessary to type out all of the extra 'ums' and pauses?

CG: And shut the fuck up, spider8itch.

AT: Uh, I'm sorry.

AT: both for being unremarkable and uh, typing like this, I guess. But I feel like it is better this way, um, because it reflects me better, karkat.

CG: FUCK

CG:;aigb;suierh

TT:…

AG: Way to go, loser. Did you just suddenly forget the rule a8out using our names in front of outsiders unless we tell them ourselves?

AT: I'm sorry. I uh, didn't notice someone else was here.

CG: GODDAMNIT

CG: AT, not only do you need to grow a backbone, but you seriously need to start using your think pan a little more.

AG: You tell him!

CG: And you!

CG: I am sick of all your bullshit, not just about GC, but also AA, CA, and especially with AT. Quit being such a fucking bitch queen to him. I am the one who should be mad right now, so you don't get a say!

AG: Ugh, fine.

AG: Come on, you 8um8ling idiot. We'll go do the roleplay now

AG: 8ye, handsome stranger ;;;;)

arachnidsGrip ceased trolling

AT: Handsome stranger?

AT: uh, wait!

adiosToreador ceased trolling

CG: gog, finally.

TT:…

CG: Don't you dare.

TT: Is this why you hate lolcats? Do they call you Karkitty and try to feed you cheezburgers?

CG: FUCK YOU

TT: Relax, I'll be nice.

TT: How could I not show a little compassion? Teasing you would be incredibly mean right after I made you so jealous.

CG: I was not jealous. That would imply that I have at the very least something other than complete spite and disgust running through my veins every time I so much as even think about you.

TT: But you get so upset when we ignored you, and even angrier when we were flirting. How am I supposed to interpret that as anything other than liking? And you even admit to the fact that you think about me when we aren't chatting.

CG: You know what? Maybe you should just go follow those two. Clearly you don't talk to enough people on this site, if you've never met Ms. Nosy 8-Eyes.

CG: I was feeling good today, and now my blood pressure is through the roof because of dealing with the three of you.

CG: I don't even care if you talk about me.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

TT: Come on, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

TT: Shit

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

Dirk actually felt sort of bad for that one. He hadn't thought the troll would let his feathers get ruffled so easily. Perhaps a complete stranger talking about his ex with someone who was apparently a former love rival had pushed him too far. There was always a chance the guy was faking, but Dirk honestly thought that the break in character was too abrupt to be more of the usual empty blustering.

He ran his fingers through his hair and turned his desk chair 180 degrees. Then, feeling impulsive, he rotated himself around twice more before coming to a stop. He looked out the window. It really was a beautiful day. The weather had decided to be nice and sunny without being blisteringly hot. He had only meant to check his email before going on a walk. Somehow he had managed to make his way to what had become his favorite chat room instead of getting some fresh air.

He sighed. Now was as good a time as any to go.

As he walked along the surprisingly empty streets, he wondered how Jane was doing. He hadn't spoken to her since that day with Roxy and Calliope. He'd chatted up Roxy a few times, but had been too nervous to ask her. He supposed no news was good news; if something truly bad had happened to the Crocker, Roxy would have told him straight away. Jake had been around more often, which genuinely thrilled Dirk, but Jane had never come up in their conversations.

Speaking of Jake, Dirk wondered if he would want to come and visit next weekend, or if Dirk should go to the English. Usually Jake was the one who made the commute, but perhaps this once the slightly older boy could surprise his lover.

It was nice to be able to do those sorts of things; surprise visits, kissing, even cuddling. Dirk couldn't help but think back to CG. GC must have dumped him hard if it caused him such anger having people talk about it. To have your heart broken…

Dirk winced. He loved Jake, and Jake loved him. He would never do that to the other boy, and was confident enough to say that Jake would never get rid of him.

Feeling slightly better, the Strider continued his walk for several hours before returning home. He made a quick dinner and then went straight to bed, once again breaking his habit of visiting FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.


	7. Culture Shock

I hit the wall, guys. I had all sorts of ideas for stories and I just have zero motivation to write them. No need to panic; I will be finishing this story! I just don't know when I'll be posting anything else once this one is finished -_-

On the bright side, Dirk is taking a more invested interest in his troll, and we get to see more Calliope. Yay!

I do not own Homestuck. Does Hussie ever get writer's block? o_o

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 10:52pm

TT: smuppet

CG: WTF?

TT: I just needed to type something quick and absurd so that you wouldn't log off right away. You were considering it, right?

CG: Don't act like you know me just because of what happened a few days ago.

TT: Man, you really are pissed.

TT: Anyway, my name's Dirk.

CG: Like I give a fuck what your name is. You could have paid me a zillion boonbucks and I still wouldn't have bothered to ask.

CG: What do you want?

TT: Geeze, I'm just trying to make up for talking about your ex-girlfriend with her past-almost-girlfriend.

CG: I just snorted so hard, people three states away understand how stupid you are.

CG: Alternian romance is nothing like the shit you try to pass as love in the US culture. Ours is much more nuanced and complex and sophisticated. Whatever level of significance you think I put on that conversation, which may or may not be accurate, is probably far different from what you're thinking is the root of the problem.

TT: There you go again with your superiority complex. Do I need to say the 'h' word?

CG: Do it and I swear the next time you get on here your computer will come to life and attempt to eat you. I just wish I could be around to see it.

TT: That's assuming TA will help you, since you can't program for shit.

arsenicCatnip began trolling at 11:02pm

CG: Oh, gog, AC, what the hell are you doing here?

AC: :33 *AC cautiously p33rs into the room, to s33 if the inhabitants are furrendly or not*

CG: Can we not do the whole third person narration thing?

AC: :33 *AC considers the proposition, but will only purromise if CG says please*

CG: Like hell.

TT: *TT, who has been quietly waiting in the corner until now, decides to greet the newcomer*

CG: Not again.

AC: :33 *AC approaches the stranger, and pawses. She prepares to pounce at the first sign of danger*

CG: Please, okay? Please don't do this right now.

TT: You're no fun. I already had my response all typed out.

AC: I've never s33n you anywhere else, TT. Are you CG's furriend?

TT About as close as a guy and his troll can be. I saw your username on the front page once. Do you know CG and some of the others irl?

AC: Of course. My big brother meowrail is one of the people who run the site.

TT: Which one?

CG: AC, don't give him more personal information. Your brother will kill me if he finds out.

CG: But just to clear it up, her "brother" is the one we don't talk about any more, you idiot.

AC: But TT seems nice, and he said you were furriends, and you didn't deny it!

TT: Yeah, Karkat, aren't we friends?

AC: He even knows your name!

CG: Crap. The only reason he knows my name is because AG is annoying and AT can't keep his mouth shut. And no, we are not friends, so stuff it.

AC: But AT is a purrfect sweetheart!

CG: It was an accident, I get that. But, seriously, why are you here?

AC: I hardly ever get to s33 you anymore! You are always so busy with classes and exams and papurrs!

TT: Wow, you don't even make time for your irl friends?

TT: You don't deserve an online social life.

CG: Just shut up, TT

CG: And AC, I just have a lot on my plate, and I get online to relax. Not that that's possible anymore with this moron bothering me all of the time.

TT: Not nice.

CG: We're doing that group thing on Saturday. We can talk then, ok?

AC: That would be pawsitively wonderful!

CG: Good.

CG: Now, you should get off before your Moirail finds out you're still playing on the computer.

AC: :33 *AC sneaks out on silent f33t, the only indication of her purresence a fond memory*

aresenicCatnip ceased trolling

CG: Fuck.

TT: I can't believe it. You have manners after all.

CG: Fuck you for the computer insult earlier, and fuck you for thinking I have no manners.

TT: Christ, what is your problem?

TT: Are you sweet on AC? Is that why you toned it down?

CG: Hardly. First off, AC's "brother" really gets on her case about cursing, so I try to make it easier on her by not getting her in the habit.

CG: Secondly, AC has a huge crush on ME, not the other way around. I always felt bad because I could never bring myself to return her feelings. I've rejected her more than once but she refuses to give up.

TT: You might only be making it worse by giving her special treatment.

CG: Unlike AT, I actually have the ability to censor myself online, it really isn't that hard. Special treatment was when I quit smoking.

CG: FUCK. You did not read that!

TT: Your ex not like smokers?

CG: Just shut the fuck up!

TT: Fine, relax. I know you got really pissed last time so I'll let it drop. For now, at least.

TT: But tell me, are you a high school student?

CG: Why, pedo? Is it really that important?

TT: No. Either way you have the maturity level of an 8 year old.

CG: You picked that number on purpose.

TT: I did no such thing.

TT: But I do have a genuine question, about "brother" and meowrail.

CG: God, I'm not getting into their personal affairs.

CG: They aren't related by blood. And a MOIRAIL is an Alternian term for 'bff', essentially.

TT: Like you and TC?

CG: How the fuck did you even come to that conclusion?

TT: Gay man's intuition.

CG: You are so full of shit.

TT: Perhaps, but I'm right, so why should I care?

CG: You think your think pan is just so full of the secrets of the universe, but you really just don't understand anything about Alternian culture, so why don't you just take your metaphoric socks and stuff them down your nutrient chute until you learn to say something halfway intelligent?

TT: It's kind of strange, but you're right.

CG: Of course I am!

CG: Why are you admitting to it?

TT: I guess cultural sensitivity is kind of important. I was always more concerned about gender sensitivity, I guess. Even though I had a bunch of people to talk to, I never used the opportunity.

TT: I think I've learned more about Alternia from our conversations than I ever did in school.

CG: At least you admit you pathetic ignorance. I will give you some credit for that, considering what a giant nooksniffer you are.

TT: Maybe next time you can explain the cultural significance of buckets to me.

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BUCKETS?

CG: DIRK!

* * *

"Dirk! Jake! Dirkdirkdirkdirkdirkdirkdiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk! It's Calliope!" Roxy practically tackled him the moment he stepped through the door. If it weren't for his ninja-like reflexes he would have dropped Lalonde and toppled backward onto Jake.

Letting her have her fun, Dirk held up Roxy while Jake slipped past the blonde pair and into the apartment. "Hello there, Jane. And greetings, Ms. Calliope. I must say, it's quite the honor to finally meet you in person!"

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. English," came the reply.

Roxy finally released Dirk so she could drag him into the room. He smiled, letting her pull him around like and indulgent parent and child. Her enthusiasm was almost contagious. Characteristically, some of the smile faded as he entered the room and the other occupants would be able to see his expression. There was still a trace of the grin left, though, as he took Calliope's hand. "Hey Callie, its good of you to finally visit." He did his best impression of prince charming and kissed the back of her hand.

The surprisingly sober Roxy elbowed Calliope in the ribs when she started blushing at the surprising gesture. "Told you he was a lady killer!" she giggled.

"Quite the fairy-tale hero, aren't you?" the still somewhat flustered girl joked.

Dirk shrugged nonchalantly. "I try my best. Hey, Janey." He did his best not to wince as soon as the nickname was out of his mouth. He hadn't called her that since before he started dating Jake.

But it seemed, in the spirit of finally getting to spend time in person with one of her closest friends, Jane took the comment in a cordial manner. "Hello Dirk." Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, but he would take what he could get.

"Well come on now, sillies! We're all here, let's have some fun!" Roxy ordered loudly, throwing her arms around her gal pals. As she ushered them out of the door, she somehow managed to grab hold of Dirk's sleeve and drag him along as well. Jake, not wanting to be left out, found a way to break Roxy's hold and squeeze himself between Dirk and Calliope.

"Where are we going?" Jane asked, a struggling a little against Roxy's pushing.

Roxy snorted. "Ice skating, of course!"

Dirk blinked behind his shades. "Rox, where are we going to find an ice rink around here?" There had been an old rink in the area when he was a child, but that had been torn down long ago.

Roxy stopped walking, much to Jane's relief. She turned to stare Dirk straight in the face. Then she winked. "Just trust me. I've got all the connections!"

"If you say so," he replied, not really meaning anything nasty by it. When she put her mind to it, Roxy could do just about anything.

Jake, though, completely missed his boyfriend's joking tone. "Now Dirk, there's no need to be a wet blanket. I'm sure Roxy has a plan for a bang-up time."

"Sure, Jake," he agreed, not feeling like explaining that he was just having fun with Lalonde.

"Well, I certainly think it will be exciting!" Calliope interrupted with a gleeful smile. "I've never been ice-skating before!"

"Hoo, well then, this will be quite the adventure for you, won't it Callie?" Jake cheered. As Roxy led the way to her car, the pair with the green eyes started chatting, leaving Dirk bringing up the rear with Jane. They remained silent, but as they approached the car Strider noticed Crocker tense up. She probably realized there was a chance she would have to sit in the back. Either she would be forced into close proximity with Jake or Dirk for the duration of the trip to Roxy only knew where.

She let out an audible sigh of relief when Calliope slid into the back with Jake, and quickly scampered to secure the shotgun seat. Dirk genuinely felt sorry that she was still so uncomfortable around both boys. He didn't know how to make it better short of dumping Jake, and that definitely wasn't going to happen anytime soon, if ever.

Dirk remained silent for the most part during the car trip. The other three continually bombarded Calliope with questions, such as what her next research project would be when she was done with Alternia, or if she had never been roller skating either, or how long she would be staying. He had every intention of getting some time with the sweet girl, but for now he was content to listen to everyone else. It was almost like before; before Roxy confessed to him the first time, before he had started dating Jake, before Jane had lost all interest in talking to him. It was like they were hanging out for the first time together again. He wasn't usually one for nostalgia, but remembering how simple it had all been before; before Dirk lost his parents and Jane lost her mom, before Roxy started drinking, it made him both happy and sad.

Before he could stew in the bittersweet thoughts any longer, Roxy made a rather sharp turn into a parking lot. As Dirk stepped out, he took a good, long look at the building. "Damn, I'm impressed, you really came through, Rolal."

"Of course I did," she winked. "Now come on, let's go have some fun! I get to teach you all how to skate."

"Hate to burst your bubble, but I already know how," Dirk explained as he followed the excited girl and his other friends across the parking lot.

"What? This is such a tragedy. There go all of my plans for a steamy student-teacher romance!" She threw her hands up in defeat. Calliope tried to stifle a giggle underneath her hands, and Jake outright guffawed. Dirk couldn't bring himself to, considering there was probably a part of her that was serious about the statement. Judging from Jane's lack of giggles, she was well aware of Roxy's feelings too.

Luckily the line to rent skates was short, and there weren't that many people on the ice to begin with. While Roxy struggled to help Jane and Jake figure out their laces, by virtue of proximity Dirk assisted Calliope. "So, if you don't ice skate, do you go bungee jumping in your spare time?"

The girl smiled, showing off her dimples. "Hardly. I'm not the adventurous type like Jake. I prefer to read and write and interview."

"Sounds like you would love Jake's job," he gave his boyfriend a loving glance when he noticed the Brit had accidentally tied his skates together, much to Roxy's amusement. "You really love Alternia, though, don't you?"

"I find it absolutely fascinating!"

"Can I ask why? Like, what got you interested in the first place? We always talk about your latest major discovery. Come to think of it, why is there so little research in the first place?"

Callie's eyes lit up like a child's at Christmas. "Has my fanaticism worn off on you?" she joked, but Dirk could hear the eager undertones.

"I'd like to learn some. I mean, I don't think I'm nearly as invested as you, but I am interested."

Calliope was practically bouncing on the arena bench. "Well, to first answer your questions, Alternia had a strong, albeit somewhat indirect, influence on Zillyhoo, where I was born. To answer your second question, there are multiple reasons. The first is that the culture there, especially historically, is very nuanced, and there were many misunderstandings amongst the first scholars who were allotted visitation. The second reason relates to the first, in that the Alternian Empresses, each titled Her Imperial Condescension, disliked the thought of outsiders coming to Alternia. They used to be extremely militaristic, and have only just recently begun to drop that stance. Of course, that in part was due to their annexation by the US, which in and of itself was a major event despite only happening about ten years ago, and has had significant consequences…"

As the group finally made it onto the ice, Dirk made sure to keep Jake from humiliating himself, but also did his best to keep up the conversation with Calliope. In her excitement she tended to jump from topic to topic without going into too much detail, but that suited him just fine. He wanted the general overview rather than nit-picky details. CG would undoubtedly be willing to fill in the blanks in order to 'educate the ignorant nooksniffer.'


	8. Schooled

Hey all! My friend taught me a nifty trick to fix the spacing because I am oblivious to these sorts of things. In addition to critiques about the actual story, I want some feedback on the new format! If you guys like it I'll go back and change the other chapters to single space for each person's chat reply. If not I'll change the spacing in this one to match the others and continue to do it the old way.

In other news, y'all better get comfy, cause this time we're having a long-ass history lesson full of secrets and triggers ;)

I do not own Homestuck. But I like to talk about it :3

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 9:57pm

CG: You're here early.

TT: What, am I not allowed in here before a certain time?

CG: If I had my way, you wouldn't be allowed here at all!

TT: Yeah, I missed you too.  
TT: I'd like to bring up something from our last discussion.

CG: If you want to know about buckets, go get your head stuck in one.

TT: I'm being serious here.  
TT: I had a chance to talk with a friend a few days ago, and she piqued my interest, but I'd like to know more about Alternian history.

CG: You're joking.

TT: No, I'm not.

CG: You are definitely trying to troll me.

TT: Do you want to talk about buckets instead? I know you said you didn't want to but to me that sounds like you really want to.

CG: This is not a fucking game of reverse psychology, numbskull.  
CG: If I tell you what you want to know will you leave?

TT: I'm not the type of dude to make promises I can't keep.  
TT: Question: the caste system. What exactly is the deal with that?

CG: Of course you go for the obvious shit.  
CG: I refuse to answer that question.

TT: Why? Does it personally offend you or something?

CG: If you are implying I am resentful because I hold a low position on the 'totem pole,' then let me just tell you fuck off. My position in the hierarchy will remain a secret.

TT: Do you ever get anything from being so difficult? I just want to know what the deal is. I am trying to take an interest in your culture, but you refuse to teach me anything.

CG: Quit whining.  
CG: I'll tell you some basic information. Happy?

TT: Happier than you at the moment, at least.

CG: Fuck you.  
CG: Anyway, the caste system had a larger number of tiers than most systems.  
CG: I only say 'had' because according to the US government, the system has been abolished, and if I were to tell you the truth that things are no better than they were before I could go to prison for being some sort of troublemaker.  
CG: There were the two 'outcastes,' and then the real hierarchy begins. I will list them in order from lowest to highest and in your native tongue to make it easier on your pathetic think pan.  
CG: Burgundy, Bronze, Ochre, Olive, Jade, Teal, Cerulean, Indigo, Purple, Violet, Fuchsia.

TT: 11 castes? Must be hard to keep track of.

CG: Believe me, you never mistake one class for another, and you never forget a class. Ever.

TT: Sounds ominous. But can I ask why they're color-coded?

CG: If you would wait 10 goddamn seconds, I was about to explain!  
CG: And yes, it was meant to sound ominous, moron.  
CG: Because Alternia was in isolation for so long, we developed a mutation. The classes were named based on eye color.

TT: Hold up.

CG: Why do you keep interrupting?

TT: The castes were formed based on eye color? And it's not even an Alternia-specific mutation. One of my best friends has pink eyes.

CG: Just let me finish!  
CG: It wasn't like we just went "hey, that shade of purple is pretty, let's make this class our royalty!"  
CG: The color of the eyes is actually typically associated with other genes. Our society was formed around that. For instance, the Fuchsias tended to be more militaristic, especially the females, so they became the rulers of the continent. On the flipside, the Burgundys were more pacifistic and willing to do jobs that nobody else wanted. At least, that's how it was before they essentially became slave labor and began to resent their position.  
CG: In essence, each eye color group had other traits that allowed them to carve out their own place in the hierarchy.

TT: That seems pretty haphazard, but I suppose it's better than using 'divine right.'

CG: Don't get me started on religion. There is a whole shitload of crazyfuck Purple Juggalos and that is somewhere even I am afraid to go.

TT: I know it's a touchy subject, but does this have anything to do with when AC's "brother" called you a lowblood?

CG: He is higher on the spectrum, if that was your question. But that still doesn't tell you how high either of us is.

TT: I'm going to take a wild guess and say that he is an Indigo, based on his text color. I did a little surfing around this site a while back, and everyone here has a text color that falls on the spectrum. Except you.

CG: I reserve the right to keep my caste level private from nooksniffers like you.

TT: Fine, we won't talk about you for the sake of preserving your modesty. You mentioned two outcastes, so can you tell me a little more about that?

CG: That adds a whole new level of complicated that is going to take a while to explain. You might get bored.

TT: Thanks for the warning, but unlike you I can sit still and be patient for more than 3 seconds at a time.

CG: If you don't shut the fuck up I just won't say anything else. You should be grateful I even told you that much.

TT: What if I said please?

CG: …  
CG: If you keep interrupting I'm going to log out and that will be the end of it, capiche? I'm probably the only one who will even sparingly talk to you about it, so going to the others won't help you at all.

TT: My lips are sealed tighter than a motherfucking Spacebag.

CG: Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?  
CG: Don't answer. It was rhetorical.  
CG: Anyway, the two outcastes were the Reds and the Limes, for different reasons.  
CG: Way back when, those primitive Alternians with their underdeveloped think pans didn't understand that blood is red. They thought everyone's blood was the same color as their eyes. When people were wounded and they bled, or when females suffered the 'affliction' of menstruation, they thought there was something wrong. That they were being 'infected' or something to that effect, which is why they were in pain.  
CG: Because Reds had the eye color to match the 'infected' blood, they were treated worse than trash. Many were killed, or kept as sex slaves, or other things.  
CG: Honestly, I think the highbloods knew the truth, but wanted to use the Reds as a method of controlling the other castes. Let other levels beat them down to make them feel empowered even though they were no better than fishfood themselves.

TT: …

CG: Now the other caste.  
CG: The lime bloods were really intelligent, like beyond genius, and the highbloods didn't like that  
CG: The thing is, the Limes were using their smarts to try and overthrow the current caste system. They wanted to be the heads of a new system. Obviously there would still be castes, but the Limes would be the ones running the show. They said it was in the name of equality. That they couldn't get rid of the system entirely, but that they could alleviate some of the oppression, discrimination, poverty, violence, etc.  
CG: I have no way of knowing if they genuinely believed they were doing something for the greater good, or if they were just greedy, violent assholes. They were all wiped out, so I guess there's no way to find out either.

TT: I know you said no interrupting, but how did they get wiped out? If they were smart shouldn't they have been able to at least save themselves, even if they couldn't win?

CG: See, that's what they thought too. And maybe some individuals did survive, escaping to another nation and assimilating with the Cherub culture on Zillyhoo (or so the theory goes). But with a little luck and a lot of brute force, the Limes as a whole didn't stand a chance.  
CG: I guess the Limes had so much of the highbloods' focus that they even forgot about the other outcaste for a time. Even after the war was over, the other freaks were left alone to a degree. The highbloods had made their point through mass genocide, so no one was going to be stupid enough to bother them for a very long time.

TT: Holy shit.

CG: What, did you think I came from a culture of fucking rainbows and rectangular sugartreats like a fucking Nyancat?

TT: Most people just call them Poptarts.  
TT: And, honestly, I had no idea there was so much violence. It's still like that?

CG: The US government hasn't been able to do anything. Not that they ever have anyway, stupid bureaucrats. The younger generation seems a little less racist in general, but I'm not sure how much of a difference it makes.  
CG: As you can see, people like sweatydick are still really stuck in the old system. CA is a real piece of work too. But even TC and CC are nicer highbloods. If TC wasn't, we would never have become friends.

TT: What about you?

CG: What about me?

TT: Are you one of the bluebloods, just lower on the tier system, and are trying to be considerate of those lower than you by hiding your color?  
TT: Or are you even lower than that?

CG: First off, the correct term is the actual colors. Saying blueblood is equivalent to a racial slur, as it incorporates multiple classes and implies they are all equal. Second, I already told you that it isn't any of your fucking business.

TT: Dude, I am a gay guy in a state where homosexuality used to be a criminal offense. It's not the same as what you've been through, but what makes you think I'm going to judge you based on your eye color? I mean, shit, the Alternian enthusiast friend I mentioned before is from Zillyhoo, and despite the stigma on 'Cherubs' I genuinely like her a lot.  
TT: You are an asshole. I will judge you based on that, not on some uniformed stereotype.

CG: You sure know how to bond with a guy and be understanding. Maybe you should go write a book about it and just leave me the fuck alone.

TT: Kar, come on.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK?

TT: What?

CG: WHO SAID YOU COULD CALL ME THAT?

TT: Nobody.

CG: Then why would you suddenly think it's okay?!

TT: More or less, it's easier than typing out Karkat, and it sounds more personable than CG.

CG: Why the fuck would being more personable than CG be a reason?

TT: It might surprise you to know, but I'm not a masochist. I don't come here to be verbally ripped a new one every time I type a sentence. I genuinely enjoy the conversation when you aren't being too much of an angsty bastard.  
TT: I was even nice enough not to make a NyanKarkat joke.

CG: …  
CG: You are a manipulative piece of shit.  
CG: I actually am a member of the outcastes.  
CG: My eyes are red.

TT: Was that really so hard?

CG: When you used to live in a place where you got beaten up just for being alive, it is.

TT: … I can relate to a degree.

CG: … Being 'abnormal' sucks.

TT: I'd rather be who I am than one of those people who make it bad to be different.

CG: I'm shocked. You actually managed to say something profound.

TT: I can drop a pearl of wisdom or two when I feel like it. You better tuck that little beauty away like you were a greedy treasure hoarder.

CG: If I wanted a pearl I would go oyster diving instead of wasting my time talking to you.

TT: You would be a shitty pirate.

CG: If you want to talk about shitty pirates, you should go talk to spider8itch. Anyway, I have other things to do.

TT: I still have questions, so expect to see me in a few days.

CG: As if I would be able to expect anything else given your track record for pissing me the fuck off.  
CG: Asshat.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

timaeusTestified ceased trolling


	9. Kiss and Break-up

This is the moment all you Jake-haters have been waiting for! Sadly, there will be tears and jealousy.

Also, nobody commented on my changes in formatting, so I'm going to go back to my old method for this chapter. I'll wait a few days before changing chapter 8, to give people a little more time for feedback.

I do not own Homestuck. As frustrating as Hussie is, I really miss his trolling :(

* * *

"Hello, Dirk!"

Dirk shifted his position slightly so that he could tighten Squarewave's bolts while holding the cellphone. "Hey there, Jake. What's up?" It had been a while since they were able to talk. It had been three weeks of phone tag. Now that they were finally talking Dirk refused to let the chance pass. Even if the Squarewave prototype needed to be finished within the week, Dirk was efficient enough that one or two all-nighters weren't a big deal.

"I should ask you the same! You left quite a number of messages since the last time I called."

The only reason Dirk let himself blush was because there was no one else around, and he had yet to install the robot's camera. "Yeah, I was just hoping to get a hold of you before next Saturday."

"Well, looks like I called you just in time! What's the big hulabaloo about this Saturday?"

Dirk set down his tools. This required his full attention, and he felt bad for not stopping sooner. "My boss knows I'm seeing someone, so as a reward for a job well-done on Sawtooth, he got reservations at this really nice hotel. I wanted to see if you were free?"

There was a slight pause, so Dirk took the opportunity to move from the shop floor to a chair at his drafting desk. After a few moments the silence became rather awkward. "Jake, are you still there?"

"Ahaha, of course I am. That would be dandy. What time should I meet you there?"

Actually, Dirk had hoped Jake would meet him at his apartment, and then the Strider would drive. It would give them more time together, since they couldn't check in until one anyway. "Check in starts at one. I can text you the address."

"Sounds like a jolly good plan. I'll see you next Saturday! I'd like to chat some more, but my supervisor's headed this way."

"I'll let you go then. Love you."

"You too."

The words were so rushed Dirk thought he misheard them for a moment. He hung up after a moment and sighed. Jake was never very open with affection, so Dirk couldn't say he was surprised by the abrupt farewell. Still, he smiled as he remembered that he was going to have a very romantic date with his boyfriend in less than two weeks. It was so frustrating that they couldn't spend as much time together as they used to, so Dirk was going to make every second count.

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 2:47pm

CG: The last time you logged on this early, I had to deal with two of my more annoying acquaintances.

CG: What's your excuse this time?

TT: I'm in a good mood and I thought I might share a little bit of happiness with you.

TT: But I guess that was silly. You aren't really interested in anything pleasant. You thrive off of confrontation and assholery.

CG: You are damn right I don't give a fuck. What, did you get a puppy or something? I hope it barks and keeps you up all night.

TT: That was actually a pretty good metaphor, something good turning around and biting you in the ass. You've been practicing for our matches.

CG: Don't flatter yourself.

CG: But seriously, why are you here?

TT: Honestly, I'm just in a good mood. In a few days I'm going to be having a kickass weekend with my boyfriend who I haven't seen in three weeks already.

CG: God forbid you should have to go so much as a single day without having sloppy makeouts. Is that seriously the reason you are on here bothering me right now? Why the fuck would you even want to share information like that.

CG: As if I give a shit about your lovelife. I would be more interested in covering myself in honey and lying on a mound of fire ants.

TT: I didn't think it was such a touchy subject. Are you that jealous?

CG: For the ever-loving-fuck I AM NOT JEALOUS!

CG: How many times must I repeat it before you understand how drop-dead serious I am.

CG: I mean, Christ, why the fuck do you have to bring up the subject almost every time we talk?

TT: … I actually did have a legitimate reason for logging on today.

CG: Oh really? I have a hard time believing that.

TT: That's because you are too suspicious of the world at large. Hence why you flip a shit if anything even remotely-distantly-related to personal information comes up.

TT: I need to ask, are you short?

CG: What the fuck sort of question is that?

TT: The type that requires a yes or no for an answer.

CG: jegus.

CG: I'm average, alright!

TT: By Alternian or USA standards?

TT: I know enough that average USA is short Alternian.

CG: Why the fuck would you know that of all things?

TT: Right, short Alternian.

CG: I DID NOT SAY THAT!

TT: You didn't need to. Subtext is just as important as what you actually type.

CG: Fine, I'll just ask again why the fuck you wanted to know.

TT: Hold on. I need a few minutes.

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

CG: Wait.

CG: Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?

CG: You see what I have been reduced to?

CG: I'm talking to an empty room for fuck's sake.

CG: You are such an arrogant prick.

CG: You are easily the most frustrating person in my life.

CG: And I fucking hate you for it.

CG: Why do you have to keep teasing me about it?

CG: You over-confident dick.

CG: And then you go around bragging about your boyfriend.

CG: Fuck.

CG: I don't care because I shouldn't care.

CG: …

CG: Fuck.

timaeusTestified began trolling at 3:17pm

TT: I'm back.

CG: Yes, I noticed. I'm not blind, moron.

TT: Did you miss me?

CG: The last time we had this conversation, I said something I regretted. Can we just move on to the part you explain why the fuck you are pretending to be a mysterious badass?

TT: I'm not pretending. I am a badass.

TT: I was working on this: ht:/tinyurlcom/thisisnotarealpicture

CG: What is this?

TT: It's a picture.

CG: No, Dirk, I mean it. I mean it so much that I'm calling you by name.

CG: Not Dick, but Dirk. What is this?

TT: It's a drawing I did. Of us. Most Alternians have black hair, from my understanding, and the guys tend to keep it that length, right? I already knew your eye color, so all I needed was your height.

TT: We are just chilling like bros, I didn't think you would get so offended. Did I draw you too skinny or something?

CG: No.

CG: The picture is fine I guess.

CG: I just.

CG: Why?

TT: What do you mean?

CG: Why did you draw this? I don't understand.

TT: Well, it's sort of a thank-you for actually telling me about Alternia, even though I know most Alternians are tight-lipped about it.

TT: And, well, we are friends.

CG: We are?

TT: It's not a normal social relationship, but I think being too normal is a bit of a downer.

TT: Do you not consider us friends? Because, I honestly got the vibe that we had a sort of rapport going. Like I said, the subtext can be just as important as the actual words. Of course, even if you say otherwise, that doesn't change the fact that I like you.

CG: It's not that.

CG: I'm just surprised that you actually like me.

CG: As a friend!

CG: Or at all, really.

CG: You could be lying but… I guess I just don't know how to say this.

TT: Say what? If you want to get something off your chest, just let it drop.

CG: Thank you.

CG: I guess that's what I was looking for.

CG: I'm not good at this sort of thing.

TT: You're thanking me? For what, the picture? I told you the picture was a thank you itself.

TT: Or for being your online buddy?

CG: I have a paper to write.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

Dirk wasn't sure what to think. What the hell was that all about?

* * *

Dirk was as close to ecstatic as a Strider could be when the day had started. Two days at a four star hotel with his boyfriend.

It really pissed him off that he didn't notice something was wrong from the get-go.

Jake had showed up late, hadn't really been interested in doing anything semi-romantic… Well, they had managed to spend a good portion of time on the beach, but every time Dirk got too close Jake would shy away. Lunch had been alright even if the conversation was a little stilted, but dinner had been outright awful. Jake practically refused to talk. When Dirk tried confronting him about it later in the room he'd ended up going through three rounds of possibly the most desperate sex ever, of all time.

And then the next morning, in the parking lot as they were about to leave, Jake finally dropped the bombshell.

"Dirk, this just isn't working."

Dirk genuinely didn't understand. "Is your car acting up again? I can take a look at it on Wednesday…"

"No," Jake interrupted him, trying to look at the Strider but refusing to make eye contact. "_This_ isn't working." He gestured between himself and the Strider.

Dirk blinked behind his shades. "Jake," he started, but was cut off yet again.

"I'm sorry Dirk. We just aren't as compatible as you thought. It's been good, but I feel like there's something not quite right about it. I mean, I'm an adventurer at heart. I need to go off and see the world, but you're looking for stability."

At this, Dirk clenched his fists. Was he being _insulted_ on top of being _dumped_? Jake continued, "You are a good man Dirk, I'm just looking for something else less constricting. I hope we can still be chums like we always have been.

"Yeah, sure, Jake." Dirk snapped. He was about to add more when Jake cut him off for a third time.

"I'm glad you see it my way, friend. I was afraid you wouldn't take it well, but I should have known better! You are a Strider, after all! Well, take care!" And with that, Jake headed off to his car without letting Dirk say another word.

The Strider stood there, shocked to the core. _The Strider_ stood there. What the fuck was Jake on about him taking it well because he was _a Strider?_ What, did that imply just because he could be cool and composed on the outside that he didn't have a flesh and blood heart just like everyone else? That that heart couldn't break? What the fuck would Jake even know about _Striders_ anyway? He barely even spoke to Dave! Apparently, he didn't much like to talk to Dirk either, considering whatever the issue was he had never even brought it up!

When he reached his car he slammed the door shut so hard that a girl walking by actually yelped. She hurried right along as she saw the bared teeth and white-knuckled grip of one seething _Strider_. He wanted to hit something so badly. He was so pissed her could barely see straight.

After about five minutes of cursing Jake and everything he stood for, it finally sunk in. The guy he had been chasing after for years had dumped him like yesterday's trash.

For the first time since his parents died, Dirk Strider hung his head and cried.

* * *

He couldn't believe Karkat was still logged into the room

timaeusTestified began trolling at 12:31am

TT: He dumped me

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

CG: You haven't been on in a while.

CG: Wait

CG: Dirk!

CG: Fuck

CG: What is the point if you're just going to log out without giving me a chance to reply?

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling


	10. Missing ALL the Hints

**ANNOUNCEMENT:** Starting June 1st there won't be any updates for at least seven weeks. I'm going abroad for summer classes so I will have pretty much no time for writing. There will be at least one more update between now and then, but then there won't be anything until late July. Sorry to have to make you wait for so long, but this will get finished, so please don't leave me ;n;

Also, I have no idea what type of celebrities gay men think are hot, so if anyone knows please tell me, cause I may need that for later in the story.

Also also, I know Dave doesn't look like Chris Evans. I just couldn't think of any other comparisons.

I do not own Homestuck. Really, I'll come back, so don't forget about me!

* * *

Dirk clicked the replay button for the fourth time. What was so great about the Harlem Shake anyway? He checked his email, then Dave's SBAHJ site, then checked his email again. Maybe he should quit staring at the backlit screen and make an outfit for Cal or something. It was four in the morning and he had been on since about eight.

He was just about to click the replay button again when his chat client flashed. Roxy was trying to get a hold of him. He had refrained from taking calls from her since the breakup last week. Jane had tried to call once, and even Callie had reached out, probably at Roxy's prompting. Jake had called once as well. Based on the message, though, it was clear he had no idea Dirk had holed himself up in his apartment.

He was currently on a software project, so working from home was no big deal. He wasn't drinking copious amounts of alcohol or eating tubs of frosting and ice cream. He just didn't want any sort of human interaction while he wallowed in his self-pity.

He sighed though as Roxy's text continued to pop up on the screen. He was afraid he would say something mean or stupid if he talked to her, but perhaps he should type a response and at least let her know he was alive.

TG: Dirk.

TG: Dirk please answer

TG: I am taking very special effort not to make and tyops.

TG: Shit.

TG: * any typos.

TG: Dirk, come on.

TG: If I have to go to your place adn find a corpse I will be very unhapy :(

TT: Hey.

TG: OMFG ur alive!1!

TT: Yeah, I guess. I feel kind of shitty though.

TG: I don't blame you.

TG: What Jake did was very mean. Dumping you right after a spuer romantic date.

TT: Did Jake tell you about it?

TG: Some of it.

TG: he was all 'it was a jolie good gesture, and I felt awsful about it, but I finally did it.'

TT: "Finally"? How long has he been thinking about this?

TT: …

TT: Rox, this is the part where you say you don't know and I shouldn't worry because he's stupid.

TT: Rox?

TT: Oh, god, you fucking knew he was going to dump me!

TG: Dirk, I'm sorry :(

TT: What the hell? Was he talking to you about it beforehand?

TT: God, did he tell you when he was going to do it?

TG: He didn't say much, I sweer!

TG: He just brought it up once or twice. That he wasn't sure.

TT: How long have you known?

TT: Roxy, how long did you know?!

TG: Remember the day we skyped callie?

TT: Oh god.

TT: That was over two months ago! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

TG: I didn't kno he was going to 4 sure

TG: Janey said I shouldn't worry you, and I agrred.

TT: Jane knows too? Was I seriously the last fucking person to know?

TT: Did Callie know? Fuck, I bet even Jade knew.

TG: Dirk, no

TG: we weren't trying to have sercets.

TG: I'm so sorry.

TT I don't want to hear it right now

Dirk didn't even bother closing the chat window. He just unplugged the computer from the wall. It was childish, but he didn't respond well to having salt rubbed into his wounds.

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 12:23am

CG: Don't you dare.

TT: What?

CG: Don't you dare pull a stunt like last time where you drop a single line and then log out before I can fucking respond.

TT: Kar, I'm sorry.

TT: I just had a lot on my mind at the time.

TT: I mean, that was pretty heavy for me. And then later I found out that my friends knew about it for two months beforehand. It kind of pissed me off.

TT: I honestly wasn't even going to bother logging on at all. But I guess I didn't want you to think I was dead or something. But I also wanted to tell you because I wanted to tell you.

CG: Do you want to talk about it like a bunch of teenage girls at a clichéd sleepover?

TT: No.

CG: I sort of know what you're going through.

TT: Do tell

CG: Hey, right now this is about you, so there's no need to be snappy with me. I'm not throwing myself a pity party, but maybe if I tell you about my fuckups you'll feel better.

TT: If you don't want to tell me you don't have to, but I have been curious.

CG: I know I told you that GC dumped me.

TT: You weren't the one who said that. AG told me, remember?

CG: If you want to know then don't interrupt!

CG: Anyway, not long after we broke up, I met this kid. For the sake of simplicity we'll call him J. I met him just a few weeks after GC dumped me.

CG: I really didn't like him at first. I mean, I thought he was sort of cute in a dorky kind of way, but he sort of ticked me off. He would always go on and on about a bunch of really shitty movies. It pissed me off, but at the same time I was sort of drawn to his passion, I guess?

CG: Eventually it just got to the point where I blurted out my feelings for him. I thought that if I was more upfront with J, it wouldn't end up like it had with GC, who complained about me being emotionally closed off. He rejected me, but said we would still be friends. Honestly I think that was probably for the best. I wasn't ready for a relationship yet.

CG: But then about a month later GC introduced me to this guy. I will refer to him as D.

CG: He was incredibly hot. And his eyes were just so awfully, horrifically amazing.

TT: I know you told me not to interrupt, but was he Johnny Depp hot or Chris Evans hot?

CG: Closer to Chris Evans, but less muscle.

CG: Moving right along with the story:

CG: For a while I didn't interact with him. I would just kind of stare at him whenever I had the chance. I still had feelings for GC, though. So when I found out she liked D I got incredibly jealous. After that I would go out of my way to verbally abuse him.

CG: Part of the problem was that he took my insults and threw them back at me with equal force. Most of our friends thought it was funny. I wasn't amused.

CG: Eventually, I started looking forward to our verbal spats. You know I'm anal by nature, and this guy really made me think of new and creative ways to be an asshole. And I thought he was really creative, and then I found out we actually shared a number of interests. It just sort of spiraled out of control to the point where I had really strong feelings for him. So eventually I just decided to be outright with him.

CG: I got rejected so fast I didn't even realize it at first.

TT: Harsh.

CG: When it finally sunk in, I hadn't even been that devastated when GC dumped me. To make matters worse, just a few days later D and GC started dating. D told her about what happened, and I guess he was friends with J so they both knew about that too. For a really long time D and GC refused to even talk to me.

CG: I think D just doesn't care anymore, and we're cool, at least. But I think GC is still upset with me. We still talk, and we try to do the whole 'friends' thing. But she looks at me weird every time we're in a room with D.

CG: I don't know if she thinks I was jealous of D for getting her, and that my confession was just a way to get back at her, or if I betrayed her trust by genuinely going after D even though I knew how she felt.

CG: It's been 3 months, and I'm still afraid to tell her, or ask her, or whatever the fuck it is I'm supposed to do.

TT: Shit. That is pretty rough.

CG: Yeah, well. It's still painful, but it's old news for me. You're dealing with a bunch of crap right now.

TT: 3 months isn't that long ago.

TT: And don't remind me.

CG: You might find this surprising, but I'm not trying to make you feel worse.

CG: I just don't know what the fuck it is you want from me.

TT: It's cool. Just being on here and swapping sob stories is actually helping.

CG: Except we haven't really swapped.

CG: You're on the other end of the conversation, keeping your lips locked up tighter than Scrooge's coffers

TT: Scrooge turned out to be a pretty charitable dude, helping Tiny Tim and all that.

CG: Perhaps you'd like to follow his example?

TT: Hah, okay.

TT: I don't want to get too detailed because that would take forever. Basically, I was being too clingy, and trying to hold my bf too close when all he really wanted was some space.

TT: I have some really great friends, but I've always been sort of a loner type, not really sure how I fit into the group, or if I even really had a place. It didn't help that I was competing for the guy as well. So when he picked me, I was ecstatic, and also scared. I thought that if I lost him, I would be alone forever. Not just romantically either. I thought that if he didn't like me that I would lose my other friends too.

CG: You're a fucking idiot.

TT: Wasn't there some kind of rule about not interrupting?

CG: No, I just asked you not to.

TT: Don't you think you could extend the same courtesy to me?

CG: How can I fucking not interrupt when you are being such a thick-skulled moron?

CG: Why would one person's feelings for you influence the whole group to turn their back on you? And even if that was true then you're too good to be hanging around with a bunch of mindless sheep.

TT: …

CG: Fuck

CG: Ignore the last sentence of that long post for the sake of character consistency.

TT: …Okay, well starting now whenever there is a feelings jam we will not interrupt.

TT: So there was the crippling fear of rejection, coupled with my already low sense of belonging. I guess I just sort of suffocated him to the point where he would go to anyone else for help. So essentially everyone else knew he was going to dump me well in advance of the actual event. The last person to know was me.

CG: Your ex is a douche.

TT: Yeah, he kind of is, actually. We were both selfish, really. I wanted all of his time, and he wanted me to stoke his ego, I guess.

TT: He's kind of full of himself sometimes.

CG: I think everyone is sometimes. But if he couldn't even respect you enough to tell you instead of going around your back and telling your mutual friends, then he isn't worth jack-shit.

TT: He's still my friend, dude. At least, he will be once I stop being furious with him and myself.

CG: If you want to put yourself through that, that's your problem.

TT: Yeah, I know. Now, can we talk about something not depressing?

CG: The economy is no longer in a recession?

TT: That may or may not have been your best worst joke ever.

CG: Shut up! I'm just trying to lighten the mood, nooksniffer.

TT: I appreciate it, Kar.

CG: Yeah, well, you are definitely NOT welcome.

CG: If I would have known how insufferable you could really be, I really would have blocked you on that first day.

TT: Sure you would have.

TT: I bet right now you're thinking about how dull your life would be if I weren't around.

CG: Yes, because arguing with you is the highlight of my life.

CG: In fact, I enjoy it so much that I'm going to log off right this instant and go tell everybody I know about how wonderful you are. How you are the sunshine to my raincloud, the puppy to my homeless girl, the peanut butter to my chocolate, and all other assortment of sappy, shitty comparisons.

TT: You kind of screwed up there.

TT: Peanut butter is the greatest thing ever.

CG: I have to go, but we can talk tomorrow. Or something.

CG: And Nutella is where it's at, you uncultured simpleton.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

TT: Logging out first does not mean you won the argument.

timaeusTestified ceased trolling


	11. Cliffhangerstuck

**ANNOUNCEMENT:** This will probably be the last update for 7-8~ish weeks while I'm studying abroad! I'll be back in late July. In the meantime, enjoy this massive cliffhanger.

It's also Memorial Day, so if you guys could just do me an absolutely massive favor and take a moment to pray or just observe a moment of silence in respect for those who are serving or have served, including my grandfather, who will probably pass away soon.

I do not own Homestuck.

* * *

Dirk shuffled on his feet. This could either go really well or be awkward as fuck. Eventually he gave in and knocked. He heard a small thump and some shuffling as Roxy approached her door. It was a little early for her to be up. She had probably been asleep on the sofa.

It was obvious she opened the door without checking first, because her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw Dirk. Without any warning she leapt up and hugged him. He hugged her back, not out of reflex, but out of a need to mend whatever damage he had done with his temper tantrum.

"Hey, Roxy. I'm so sorry."

Roxy pulled back and poked his cheek. He let her, of course, even if it was a little harder than necessary. "You don't apologize. I'm the one who's sorry. I should have told you right when Jake brought things up."

Dirk was already shaking his head before she finished. "You're Jake's friend, too. It would have been a betrayal of his trust."

"But I shouldn't've told Jane."

That comment he couldn't really argue against, but he just shrugged. Jane and Roxy were very close, so it was only natural that she knew too. The fact that Roxy didn't mention Calliope piqued his interest. How had the other girl known? Did Jake tell her too?

"Eh, come in. Do you wanna talk about it?" Dirk considered the offer as he followed Roxy to her sofa. No, he really didn't want to talk about it.

Roxy seemed to guess his answer, but he said it anyway. "I'm not really interested in talking about him right now. I just wanted to make sure that things between us were okay." As he said it, he had a flash of thought. She wouldn't misinterpret this as him trying to initiate something, would she?

His fears were disconfirmed as she smiled at him sadly. It was written all over her face; she knew she was never going to be the object of his affection.

"I'm sorry, Rox."

She shrugged in her usual flamboyant manner, trying to play off the seriousness of the situation. "Eh, I knew that when you started dating Jake. Callie said she was gonna introduce me to her handsome friends when I go to visit her anyway. Having a boyfriend already would be a bummer." She winked, and suddenly the mood truly was more lighthearted. They were both heartbroken, but they were taking the first steps in moving on.

"It's great that you're going to visit. You two have been trying to work that out for ages."

Roxy threw her arms up I the air. "I know! And it was so perfect too. I can take the flight straight from Skaia after we go see our siblings in two weeks. Or cousins for Jake and Jane." As soon as the words were out of her mouth her eyes widened and her jaw went slack.

Dirk felt his own lips part slightly as the realization hit him. "Not only do I have to spend five hours in a car with Jake there and back, but we will be hanging out the whole weekend," he deadpanned.

"Fuck," Roxy deadpanned in turn, taking up a more demure position on the sofa.

"I couldn't have said it better myself."

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 2:17pm

CG: Hey.

CG: How's it going?

TT: I just realized I am taking a 4 day group trip, including a 5 hour car ride, along with my ex.

CG: Were you two living together?

TT: Well, no.

CG: Will you have to be alone with him?

TT: Again, no.

CG: Then I'm sure you won't want to kill yourself too badly.

TT: How comforting.

TT: Is that what happened with you and GC?

CG: No.

CG: I was just making the point that it could be worse. I've seen some of my friends have to deal with that shit while their ex was dating someone else. I have never been so happy about paying renter's insurance.

TT: Heh, now I actually do feel better.

CG: You're welcome, dipshit.

TT: Anyway, I probably won't be on again until after I get back. I have a lot of stuff to take care of in the next two weeks before the trip.

CG: Ugh, how will I go on without your douchebaggery?

CG: I literally cannot live without having you bury me in bullshit every god damn week. Sometimes two or three times a week. You have spoiled me with your frequent visits, and now I will have to suffer through withdrawal. I think it's already starting. Please excuse me while I hurl in the corner.

TT: You are so melodramatic. I hope that whatever school you go to has a great theatre program, because otherwise all that prima-donna flamboyantness is just going to waste.

CG: The theatre program here is a joke, and I would not waste my time with a bunch of prissy actors who need their water to be exactly 41.3 degrees or else they flip the fuck out.

TT: I am going to miss your particular brand of sunshine.

CG: Then it should please you to know I am working on a random insult generator just for you.

CG: You are welcome for that as well, ingrate.

TT: I look forward to it. I'd better get going, though.

CG: Tell me how it goes.

TT: I will.

timaeusTestified ceased trolling

* * *

Spending an entire Thursday morning stuck in a car with his ex-boyfriend was far from what Dirk would call ideal. Luckily, he was driving, which meant he could abstain from the conversation on the basis that he was preoccupied with the unfamiliar roads. Not that there was much conversation anyway. Roxy just kept fiddling with the radio while Jane pretended Jake didn't exist and Jake looked as oblivious as ever.

When the towers of Derse finally came into view, Dirk nearly let out an audible sigh of relief. "Hey, Roxy, get the map out. Which exit do I need to take?"

The next half hour was filled with Roxy trying to give directions and Jane eventually taking over because Roxy, sober or not, clearly couldn't handle the map. As Dirk made the final turn into the house driveway he had to admit he was impressed that Jake hadn't said something stupid to make the situation even more awkward than it had been. Perhaps the boy could occasionally read the mood after all.

The four friends filed out of Dirk's car and looked at the house. It was pretty nondescript, if a bit large. It looked like it had just been painted recently, but other than that it seemed pretty standard. There were a few moments of silence before Jane asked, "Are we in the right place?"

The moment she finished the front door flew open and John came bouncing out. "You're here!" Dirk was the first to be tackled into a hug, if only for the fact that he was closest. Jane, his cousin, was next, followed by Roxy and finally Jake.

While the rambunctious boy made his rounds, Dave walked out as well. "'Sup?" he asked, catching his bro in a one-armed hug.

Dirk had already told his brother about the breakup, so there was no need to repeat the information in front of Jake. "Not much. How about with the two of you?"

Before Dave could even take a breath John launched into a description of their latest activities. Dave didn't mind, but he led the group into the house while John rattled on. Dirk did his best to pay attention to the Egbert boy, but he was a little more interested when Dave took them to the kitchen and threw his arms around a girl standing at the sink. She turned around and gave Dirk a toothy grin. She was pretty, although the rose tinted glasses looked a little strange on her face. Although, the rest of her brightly colored clothes looked a little strange as well.

She just seemed like the type of girl who dressed how she wanted, everyone else be damned. Dirk admired that sort of confidence. "Bro, this is Terezi Pyrope. Terezi, this is Dirk," he introduced while John continued to monopolize the other three visitors.

"It's nice to finally meet you. Dave had told me so much about his cool older bro. May I sniff that absolutely delectable wine-colored hoodie you're wearing?"

So that was what Dave had been warning him about. "Sure. I don't see a reason why not."

Dave looked grateful that he was humoring the girl. She accidentally bumped her face into the older Strider when John suddenly shouted, "Oh, you have to meet our neighbors! There's Vriska and Aradia and Eridan and I guess Tavros too. And then Nepeta and Equius live on the other street…" John was already leading the other three away.

Dave sighed. "You would have met them later anyway, since they're coming to Skaia with us. I figured you should at least meet our roommates first."

"Yeah, but it's hard to rain on that kid's parade," Dirk replied, smirking a little.

"Tell me about it," Terezi added, joining in on the little joke.

Suddenly there was a string of cusses coming from the second floor staircase. A young man shuffled down the stairs. He was wearing a black hoodie with the hood up. His head was bowed as well, so as he made his way toward the kitchen Dirk couldn't get a good look at his face. All he could see was some black hair sticking out of the hood and a small ring piercing in his lower lip The guy glanced sideways briefly upon noticing a stranger in the kitchen but didn't make any comment. Dirk doubted the guy even saw him through all of that hair.

"What's got your panties in a twist this time, Vantas?" Dave asked.

"Be nice, we have a guest," Terezi scolded both the housemate and her boyfriend, though the effect was ruined by her toothy grin.

The guy, Vantas, opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of apple juice. "Your brother, right? As if we need another Strider running around." Normally, Dirk would have found the comment rather rude. It was still rude no matter how he looked at it, but somehow he didn't feel like the words were completely serious.

Vantas, still not facing the trio, started taking a drink when Dave replied. "You know, you really need to learn a better way to manage your anger. Anyway, this is Dirk."

The boy started choking on his drink, spitting out some of it and spilling a good portion of the bottle in the process. Everyone wondered if he was going to hack up a lung. After a few minutes of nothing but coughs and sputters, Terezi finally asked, "Karkat, are you alright?"

Well holy shit.

* * *

**REMINDER:** In case you weren't paying attention to the announcements in the last two chapters OR on my profile- Goin' abroad for school for a few weeks, will not be updating till late July. Have a nice summer guys. Kbye.


	12. Long, Long Time

HI GUYS! I'm not back in the USA yet (I return tomorrow morning) but technically as of today my study abroad classes are over AND it is late July. If I'm not mistaken, I promised you all a little something when study abroad was over. *waggles eyebrows suggestively*

For anyone who actually cares: France was freaking awesome (oh, gog, the FOOD IS SO GOOD), but I was a little homesick, and I missed being able to write at my leisure. And I missed my lovely readers who leave me so many reviews ;n;

I do not own Homestuck. Peanut butter was not a thing in France. Nutella was a thing, though. Does this mean Karkat won the fight? o_o

* * *

Well holy shit.

Vantas finally managed to look up. Between the mussed strands of black hair Dirk could easily see the red Alternian eyes staring at him.

"You alright?" Dirk asked stupidly, not really sure what was going on anymore.

Karkat wheezed a few more times. "I'm fine," he snapped, turning to the puddle of juice. He started cussing between small coughs and set to work cleaning the mess.

"Christ, Vantas, way to waste the juice," Dave muttered. "Where are Makara, Captor, and Maryam anyway?" he asked a little louder.

"Gamzee's still asleep. I was trying to get him up when I heard John being obnoxious. I have no idea where Rose and Kan got off to, and I haven't seen Sol since this morning. Probably went to buy a new laptop," he muttered as he scrubbed the floor way harder than necessary.

"We should probably go find them," Terezi said. "I hate to ask this of you already, since we just met, but would you mind staying with Karkles for a few minutes while we round up John and your friends?" she asked the older Strider.

Dirk blinked behind his shades, not really sure what to say at first. It seemed Dave had similar reservations until the older Strider finally replied. "I don't mind."

"See you in a few!" And with that, Terezi dragged her boyfriend out of the room before anyone could say another word.

Karkat Vantas remained on his hands and knees, refusing to acknowledge Dirk. Dirk wasn't having that, though. Not after having some sort of bullshit coincidence-miracle-cliched-plot-twist thing popping up on him out of freaking nowhere. They were online friends, they weren't just supposed to randomly meet up and realize they had mutual acquaintances. "Is it seriously you?"

"Of course it is!" the Alternian snapped, finally looking over his shoulder. "Unbelievable," he muttered, turning back to his work once more. Dirk moved across the kitchen and knelt near the agitated boy. "What are you doing?" Karkat snapped again.

"I drew you too tan." That was definitely not what he had intended to say, but it was worth the embarrassed look on Karkat's face.

"That's your main concern? Why the fuck did you look so surprised anyway?"

Dirk was a little taken aback. "It's not like I knew you were living here." As if he ever would have guessed either.

Karkat snorted and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. I bet you were just having fun with me as soon as Tav told you my name. Heck, I bet your brother helped you set this whole joke up. Real funny, you got me." He looked away again.

"I had no idea, honestly. Dave never even mentioned you." At that Karkat winced ever so slightly. Dirk had to pause for a moment. Did that mean that Karkat used to be in love with Dave? It had to be. Terezi was GC, then.

He wanted to facepalm so badly. So not only were they online friends who somehow managed to meet by chance, one of them used to be in love with the other one's brother. Had his life devolved into some sort of shitty romcom? Stiller could play Dave, he thought bitterly. "Didn't you think I looked like Dave when I sent you that picture?"

"You were a blond guy with sunglasses and a shitty tattoo, and he's a blonde guy with sunglasses and a shitty attitude, how was I supposed to know you were related? That's like asking if all golden retrievers are siblings!"

Dirk quirked an eyebrow. "You have a point. But, honestly, I think you're being a little hostile."

"I pay rent to live in this goddamn house and I will be as hostile as I want," the Alternian snapped.

"Vantas!" A voice called from the stairs. Karkat nearly leapt off of the ground at having his last name shouted so suddenly, especially since, from what Dirk understood, they were supposed to be the only two conscious people in the house.

Karkat stood so suddenly he clipped his head on the corner of the kitchen table. He let out a string of cusses while Dirk asked, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fucking fine," Karkat spat at him. Then he looked at something, or rather someone, behind Dirk. "What do you want, Ampora? I thought Piexes told you to quit bugging her."

The Strider stood and turned to see another Alternian boy. He was taller than Karkat. His eyes were violet and he had dyed part of his hair to match. The weird look was completed with a black and violet striped scarf and a black shirt with a violet Aquarius symbol stamped on the front. Dirk remembered Karkat's lesson on the hemospectrum. This guy was a highblood, and he was displaying his color proudly for all to see. Dirk disliked him immediately.

"Well, who's this?" Ampora asked in a rather heavy and affected accent, taking in Dirk's presence with genuine interest. Dirk, behind his shades, was doing his own appraisal, though it was considerably less favorable. "If this lowblood is givin' you trouble, you could come hang with me instead." Behind Dirk, Karkat made a small noise of irritation but remained silent otherwise.

Dirk's lip twitched, not even enough to show his disgust, but it was more than he wanted to reveal to someone he had never met. "For your information, I happen to be fond of _low_bloods," he stated, moving to stand beside Karkat. The red-eyed teen flipped out and tried to run away when Dirk threw an arm around his shoulder. "_This_ lowblood in particular."

"Well, I never!" Ampora huffed. "Nobody talks to Eridan Ampora that way!"

"I just did," Dirk challenged, giving Karkat's shoulder another squeeze when the teen tried to make another bid for freedom.

Eridan's face contorted into something resembling a fish as he huffed and made a quick exit. It wasn't until the front door shut that Dirk finally released Karkat and prepared for an earful.

"What the hell was that about?"

Dirk shrugged. "I didn't appreciate that fact that he was trying to hook up with me while insulting you."

Karkat grabbed fistfuls of his own hair. "That is not the point. Ampora's a desperate idiot, but it's not as though I don't deal with him on a regular basis."

Dirk scowled. "But it still bothers you, doesn't it? You don't like being called a lowblood."

The teen crossed his arms, looking frustrated, and not speaking. Dirk knew he was right, and Karkat knew that Dirk knew, so arguing was pointless. That wasn't going to stop Karkat Vantas, though. "It's not your business, I can take care of myself."

"I already told you, you're my friend." Dirk stated, loudly enough to get Karkat to shut up, but still not loud enough to be considered a yell. Karkat stared at him, wide eyed and slack jawed. Clearly, he hadn't been expecting that. "I know we don't know each other extremely well, and now that we're meeting it isn't exactly a joyous event, but you're still important to me. Even if you weren't, I wouldn't just stand by and let you be treated like that."

Karkat finally closed his mouth. He stared at Dirk as though weighing his options. "What's your deal, Dirk? What are you trying to accomplish?"

Seeing that the antagonistic tone had been dropped, Dirk relaxed slightly, leaning up against the kitchen counter next to his newest friend. "Who says I need an ulterior motivation?"

Karkat eyed him in his peripherals. The light caught his eyes, and if Dirk wasn't aware that the guy was cranky and not dangerous, he might have interpreted the red glint as threatening.

"We're back!" John shouted on the heels of throwing the door open. Karkat scowled and moved away from Dirk before anyone had the opportunity to enter the kitchen and see them standing side by side. "Hey, Dirk, come out and meet everyone!" the Egbert boy popped his head into the kitchen, sensing nothing unusual between his two friends. "I see you met Karkat. Don't let his attitude fool you; he's really a good guy!"

"Nobody asked for your opinion, Egderp!"

Dirk chuckled. "Thanks, John. I'll keep that in mind." When Karkat flipped him off in response he let out a full blown laugh. John looked rather surprised, but Karkat was not amused if the glare he was giving was any indication. "Okay, let's meet some people."

He followed the excited boy into the living room to see a crap-ton of people, including his close circle of friends. "You know Dave and Rose and Jade of course!" John started, giving the two girls a chance to give Dirk a greeting hug before continuing. As they stepped back, Rose moved to stand next to a girl in a black shirt and red skirt. Her eyes were Jade, but Dirk couldn't remember her trollhandle from the website.

John pointed to someone else, however. "This is Feferi Piexes, she's Jade's roommate." Fuchsia eyes, so she was the highest of highbloods. She smiled pleasantly, though, and Dirk doubted Jade would willingly share a room with someone who strongly believed in caste domination bullshit.

"And this is Rose's roommate, Kanaya Maryam." The Jadeblood smiled shyly, moving slightly closer to Rose. There was something a bit romantic going on there, Dirk could tell. He wondered if Roxy knew.

"This is Aradia Medigo. And this is my roommate, Sollux Captor." A Burgundy and Ochre, respectively. So Sollux was the one running the website where Dirk met Karkat.

"And this is Equius Zahaak and his little sister, Nepeta Leijon." A big, beefy, sweaty musclebuilder with sunglasses and a small girl in an olive coat and a blue cat-hat. Dirk's lips twitched, but he refrained from frowning at Equius who was frowning himself. This must be centaursTesticle and arsenicCatnip. When Nepeta smiled at him he returned the gesture. She was a sweet girl, even if her adoptive brother wasn't so friendly.

John seemed oblivious to the exchange, and continued with the introductions. "This is Vriska Serket." There was only a tiny change in his tone, but Dirk got the feeling that little John finally had a crush. "Oh, and Tavros Nitram," he added almost as an afterthought, gesturing to a boy with forearm crutches.

As Dirk turned to look at the last two strangers, he finally noticed that Jake had his eyes glued to Vriska. The green eyes kept moving up and down as though he couldn't believe what he was seeing. It sort of ticked him off, but it wasn't the girl's fault. Although, based on her arrogant smile she knew she had the attention of the two dark-haired boys.

It looked like she had Tavros' attention as well, if the way he scowled at John was any indication. Actually, it was pretty pathetic as far as scowls went. Dirk felt sorry for him, really. Maybe he should take lessons from Karkat.

"Did you meet Eridan yet? He was just here, but I guess he left already, so we'll have to find him again. And you still have to meet Gamzee too," John whined while Dirk went around shaking everyone's hands and memorizing their names. Vriska discreetly winked at him, and suddenly he understood why Karkat didn't like her. She might be fun to talk to online, but she was way too full of herself.

Finally he replied to John. "Yeah, I met Eridan. But who's Gamzee?"

"My juggalo roommate," Karkat responded, finally leaving the kitchen. His hood was back up, forcing some of his hair over his eyes.

Terezi cackled. "There you are, Karkles. I was beginning to think you really did choke to death earlier."

"Wouldn't that have been a riot!" Vriska laughed.

"Nobody asked you," Karkat snapped in reply before Dirk could say anything. The older Strider wasn't the only one who was surprised. Roxy and Jane both winced. Jake didn't react, but honestly Dirk would have been surprised if English would react to a singing squid at the moment, he was so distracted.

Serket flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Relax, Karkat. You're no fun to tease anymore."

No one said anything in response. Dirk guessed this sort of interaction was normal, considering the nonplussed looks on everyone else's faces.

Dave broke the not-so-awkward silence. "Whatever. Let's just round up those two and get moving. We already made hotel reservations." The last comment was directed at Dirk, who simply nodded. "Just let me go grab the confirmation." He extracted himself from Terezi's grip and bounded up the stairs.

"Is it time to go, my motherfucking pals?" came a voice from behind Kanaya. She and Rose both yelped as they moved away, revealing a rather lanky looking Alternian in purple polka-dot pants sitting on the floor.

"Makara? How did you get there?!" Vriska asked, putting a hand over her chest as though she'd been startled as well.

Dirk had to admit he was impressed as the boy stood. He was even taller than Dirk, yet had managed to sneak in unnoticed, even by the older Strider himself.

"Gamzee, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?! Why do you always have to sneak around like that?!" Karkat snapped.

Gamzee shrugged, a lackadaisical smile plastered on his face. "Chill out, best friend. I just wanted to introduce myself to these cool looking motherfuckers." His purple eyes glanced around at the four new arrivals. Jane looked a little unsure, but Roxy was giggling, and even Jake finally looked away from the Cerulean blood and smiled affably. However, Gamzee turned back to Dirk and held out his hand. "My name is Gamzee Makara."

"Dirk Strider," Dirk replied, taking the proffered hand.

Gamzee's smile widened. "Dirk, huh? It's a motherfucking miracle that we get to meet each other. I hope that you and me and Karkat will get along like the best of motherfucking bros." So saying, he gave Dirk's hand one final, very hard squeeze. Dirk met the Alternian's gaze through his sunglasses and returned the gesture.

Dirk was no fool. Gamzee had obviously seen the picture; he was Karkat's best friend, after all. Karkat, and possibly Vriska, probably mentioned the online conversations. If Gamzee could ninja his way into a full room unnoticed, then the clown had probably witnessed the earlier conversation in the kitchen as well. Now Makara was telling him to watch his behavior around Karkat. Play nice or else.

With the silent exchange over, Gamzee introduced himself to the other three strangers. Finally Dave came back down the stairs with a printout. "Oh, so that's where the juggalo went. Now we just have to find Ampora."

The moment the words were out of his mouth, the front door opened, and the man in question walked inside.

"It seems everyone is present and accounted for," Rose stated.

"All we have to do is figure out who is riding with who," Jade responded, looking around the mostly quiet room.

Suddenly, shouts erupted as people called riding with other people. Dirk stood off to the side near Karkat, who was also refusing to participate in the cacophony. After several minutes of arguing, in which Dirk picked out a few new Alternian curses, things seems to get settled.

Feferi would take Rose, Kanaya, and Jane (a rather amicable matchup)

Eridan would take Aradia, Sollux, and Jade (Ampora and Captor seemed to have some issues, but the girls could keep the peace)

Equius would take Terezi, Dave, and Roxy (again, an amicable matchup)

Vriska would take John, Jake, and Tavros (Dirk didn't even want to imagine what sort of shit would happen in _that_ car)

Which left Dirk with Karkat (much to Karkat's chagrin), Gamzee (much to Dirk's chagrin), and Nepeta (much to Equius and Karkat's chagrin).

If sorting out the cars ended up like this, everyone had to wonder how they were going to split up amongst the rooms that Dave had reserved.

During the trip, Karkat stared out the window, Gamzee talked about religion, and Nepeta somehow managed to inch her way rather close to Karkat despite the fact that they were sitting on opposite sides of the car.

The ride down with Jake hadn't been half as awkward for the older Strider.

Every now and again he would glance into the rearview mirror and catch Karkat staring at him. The red-eyed teen would either quickly look out the window or glare at Gamzee or Nepeta. Nepeta didn't seem to mind, and would start talking about the fun things they would do in Skaia. If Gamzee noticed the glares directed at him, he didn't bother reacting.

This was going to be a long four days.


	13. Not-so-Romcom

Sorry it took me so long to update again. I've been dealing with some personal stuff. Which may or may not include the fear of disappointing my lovely readers as this story continues ;_; On a brighter note, we have some movietime bonding between our protagonists. And Roxy uses the "L" word. XD

I do not own Homestuck. Sometimes I have dreams about the fanart and the fandom at large, though. and geeze are they weird dreams ._.

* * *

Karkat was supposed to sleep in the room with John, Jake, and Tavros. Dirk would have felt sorry for him if it wasn't pretty damn obvious that no one intended to stick with the 'room assignments.'

In fact, they were all already gathered in Feferi, Vriska, Nepeta, and Terezi's room, trying to decide what movies they would watch and what kinds of snacks they should buy. The hotel itself was by no means overly fancy, but the room seemed a bit extravagant. Then again, Dirk recalled that three of the girls were high in the Alternian hierarchy and probably had the money, and Nepeta's "big brother" would probably be willing to shell out a few extra dollars for her comfort.

Eventually it was decided that Aradia, Jane, Equius, and Gamzee would go pick up a rather large assortment of candy while everyone else continued the argument. Dirk almost volunteered to go with them, until he noticed that Karkat had abandoned the fight in favor of taking a prime seat on the sofa. He was leaning on the tall arm of the couch, rubbing his forehead as though trying to banish a headache.

The older Strider decided to follow the Alternian's lead, selecting the second best seat in the room. He sat down directly next to Karkat.

"What are you doing?" Vantas hissed when Dirk's leg pressed against his.

"Making sure I have a comfortable seat before everyone else starts fighting over the top-tier ass-space."

Karkat tried to press more closely into the sofa arm. "It would be a hell of a lot more comfortable if you would move out of _my_ personal space and into your own!"

"No can do. See, everybody is coming over here now." Kanaya and Rose had already taken the two remaining spaces on the couch by the time he finished speaking. Both girls noted how close the boys were sitting, but made no comment. "If I try to move, I'll lose my spot. Same goes for you."

Karkat looked around. The short Alternian appeared to be weighing his chances of finding a good seat against having to sit thigh-to-thigh with Dirk for the next several hours. He could always go back to his own room, but from what Dirk understood he was antisocial enough and would get chewed out by his brother, John, and Terezi if he left.

Eventually he sighed and sank further into the couch, though he was still clearly trying to get some space between himself and the older Strider. "You are an obnoxious asshole and I hate your guts," he whispered. It was loud enough for Dirk to hear, but too quiet for anyone else to notice as the opening music for some random movie started to play.

The sound of the snackbearers returning with their haul helped to keep the response of, "Love you too," between the two boys.

Karkat's eyes widened. He said nothing, but turned to face the screen, making sure to pull his hood up over his head, obscuring his face.

Dirk could honestly say he was expecting a different reaction. When he sat down, he expected Karkat to cuss him out immediately. He had expected at least a flustered rebuttal for the sarcastic and insincere admission of love. He wondered why Karkat was so tight-lipped all of a sudden.

Somewhere between Cage reuniting with his daughter and that one Harry Potter actor pretending to be some weird sparkling thing, Dirk actually managed to drift into sleep. He probably would have stayed asleep and woken up with a stiff neck if something hadn't disturbed him.

As he started to wake he wondered why. He stayed still but opened his eyes behind his shades. He spotted Jake and John leaning against each other, both out cold. Jake was actually also next to Vriska, who had fallen asleep as well.

He felt slightly irked, but the feeling passed quickly. Getting upset was not worth it. He and Jake were no longer a couple. They were both allowed to move on with their lives.

Finished thinking about English, Dirk wondered what had woken him in the first place. He only wondered for a few moments until he felt something on the back of his hand. It felt odd, like something was prodding him. It took his tired mind a moment to realize that Karkat was poking his hand.

He kept his breathing even, and let the 'examination' go on for a few more seconds before quickly flipping his hand over and catching Karkat's. The other boy was obviously startled and his whole body jerked. Apparently, there was a person sitting on the floor next to the sofa, and the motion was enough to disturb them. "What's wrong, best friend?" Gamzee whispered.

"Nothing, go back to sleep!" Karkat whispered back, trying to extricate his hand from Dirk's.

"Okay." And with that, it seemed Gamzee was asleep again, if he had even really been awake in the first place.

With any possible eavesdroppers taken care of, Karkat turned his full attention to Dirk. "Let go," he hissed.

"Why should I? You were the one who kept touching me." Dirk quirked an eyebrow.

In the light from the TV, Dirk could easily see Karkat's scowl. "I was just making sure you weren't a figment of my imagination."

"Do you usually imagine your friend's hot older brother?" The older Strider teased, earning a huff from Karkat.

Karkat tried to tug at his arm to no avail. "You're not funny."

"So you do think I'm hot?" Dirk was honestly shocked by his own behavior. This was borderline harassment. He didn't understand why he was pressing the issue and his luck with the red-eyed boy.

"Just knock it off," Karkat hissed. "You are such a goddamn prick." He looked like he really wanted to yell, but didn't dare risk waking anyone.

The image on the television change to something lightly colored, so Dirk could get a better look at Karkat's face. He felt a little pang in his chest when he realized how bright Karkat's eyes were.

"Karkat."

"I can't stand you. I abide by what I said before; I wish you had never come to my chat room."

"Karkat," Dirk tried again. He needed a real explanation.

The younger man was having none of it, though. "Even spiderbitch doesn't piss me off as much as you."

"_Kar_!" Dirk hissed, yanking on Karkat's hand so that their faces were much closer together than either was really comfortable with. Luckily Vantas shut right the fuck up, so the older boy was able to get a good look at his face. Karkat was flushed, and his eyes were bright, and Dirk thought he finally got it.

"Look," the Strider began. "I just got dumped a month ago by the first guy I ever really loved. And you were in love with my younger brother. This is only the second time we've had a face to face conversation." It was sad how almost literal the last sentence was. "It's sort of strange, but it's not as complicated as you might think. If you have a crush on me, fine. It's like I told you before, I genuinely enjoy talking to you. This is our chance to get to know each other better, and see if we're compatible. If it goes somewhere, then that's fine too. Because, honestly," at this he hesitated for a moment, a little caught off guard by the mixture of shock and hope on Karkat's face. "Honestly, I sort of like you, too."

Karkat bit his lip, his upper teeth closing over his lip ring. It was clear he was at a loss for words. After a moment, though, his scowl returned. "You're pretty full of yourself," he muttered, pulling back slightly and sitting back against the sofa. "Why don't you just shut up and watch the movie? Wait, what is this bullshit? Is that a midget?"

"It's called a hobbit, dude," Dirk smiled, leaning back into his own seat, deciding he might as well try to get some shuteye.

He was somewhat irked to be the first one to wake up the next morning. His irritation was considerably lessened when he realized Karkat was still holding his hand.

* * *

"You're a lesbian?"

It wasn't exactly the ideal conversation, but Dirk could hardly expect better when Roxy was already tipsy and Rose and Kanaya kept exchanging glances. It would have gone better if Rose had mentioned something instead of being caught snogging, though. If Roxy could keep her voice down that would help too.

"You didn't know?" Dave asked, genuinely surprised. Terezi looked equally confused. Dirk just stirred his coffee and looked at the other two tables. Roxy's exclamation had caught the attention of Feferi and Jade from the next table over. Karkat and Gamzee, at the far end of the third table, looked concerned as well. Nepeta, Sollux, Aradia, and Equius were too busy arguing over something. Vriska had John, Jake, Tavros, and even Eridan's attention as she talked about god only knew what. Jane, next to Roxy, winced at the outburst.

Roxy made a grumbling noise. "No," she pouted. "Why didn't you tell me? You could've brought your girlfriend home over the breaks!" The words were somewhat slurred, but everyone paying attention was pleased nonetheless. She was being quieter, so the waitstaff was pleased too.

"I was uncertain how I should broach the subject," Rose admitted. It was sort of sweet, how shy she was being.

But then her eyes flicked very briefly to Dirk, and some of his amusement faded. Dirk was gay, Roxy liked Dirk, who knew how she would react when she realized her sister was lesbian? Jane looked his way then, waiting to see if he would say something. He gave the Crocker a lopsided smile that said, yes, it hurt, but he knew Rose didn't mean anything by it. Jane smiled hesitantly in response.

"Ooooh. Ooh. Kanaya. You need to come over some time. I have embaba… embrrarr… funny baby pictures of Rose.

The younger Lalonde looked vaguely mortified. Kanaya, on the other hand, looked excited. "I would love to be a guest in your home. Rose has told me much about you, and I would very much enjoy the chance to speak with you."

"She's shuch a shweety, just like Callie." Roxy slurred, looking pleased with the whole exchange.

Dirk's attention was pulled away briefly when he heard the gravely sound of Gamzee's voice. He couldn't make out what the guy was saying, but Karkat seemed irritated. The moment his friend stopped talking Vantas turned his attention to Dirk. They watched each other for a few moments, waiting to see what would happen next. Dirk smiled, earning a small flush and a scowl. Gamzee was smiling too, though Dirk couldn't tell exactly where the guy's attention was directed.

Regardless, the older Strider turned back to the conversation taking place at his own table. Jane looked highly uncomfortable for whatever reason, Rose was attempting to keep her sister from gossiping about her, and Kanaya, Dave and Terezi were encouraging the inebriated girl. It really was a good day.


	14. Just Dance

Hello, folks! We are now back to our regularly scheduled Dirkat programming. YAY!

The dreaded school season is coming up, so expect updates to be less frequent. This is assuming I don't manage to finish writing this before the school year even starts. We're headed into the last few events of this tale, and I hope you'll find the ending satisfying. If you don't, thank you all for being so supportive up until this point! (but really please don't leave)

**Trigger Warning**: Homophobia. I am a full supporter of equal rights, but this sort of thing is all too common, so I was hoping to both make a point and add another layer to this story. You've been warned!

I do not own Homestuck. Good fortune, Clown Hunter!

* * *

The pleasant mood carried on into the evening as the group of nineteen and twenty-five year olds headed to check out the Skaian nightlife. Eventually they found a rather unusual looking place called _The Felt_. Dirk felt a little apprehensive as he followed Aradia inside. He and his buddies were the only ones old enough to drink legally. To his relief most of the kids had headed straight for the dance floor.

Then again, he had turned a blind eye to Roxy's problem, so did he really have any room to talk?

Satisfied that he wasn't going to have to keep anyone from drowning in alcohol or vomit, he finally took a good look around the place. Thumping base, headache inducing lights, and enough bodies to make a can of sardines jealous, not to mention almost everything was in shades of green. Not really his scene. As much as he missed hearing Dave blasting music while he worked on his car or his latest project for work, and the lights were fine, it was just too crowded for him.

He spotted Jane heading up a set of stairs out of his peripheral. As he glanced around, he realized she was the only one that left, so he decided he ought to go and check on her. It was sort of odd to see her in a large group and not glued to Roxy. He started making his way through the crowd, even having to awkwardly shake his way through some dancing couples.

As he finally arrived on the second floor he was surprised to find a whole other bar and dance floor. It was considerably less crowded, so it was easy to spot Jane already seated at the bar. "Too hectic for you?" Dirk asked as he sat down in the seat next to her.

As he settled onto the barstool, he was doubly surprised to see that she had a drink in front of her already. "You okay?" Dirk asked, genuinely concerned.

"Yeah," Jane replied, taking a small sip of the fruity looking beverage. "I just couldn't stand being in that crowd."

"I know how you feel," Dirk agreed.

There was a slightly awkward pause. They were still on shaky ground even after Jake dumped Dirk. After a few moments though, Jane spoke. "Jake told me about what happened," she said.

He was glad he had decided against a drink, as he might very well have spat it out. "I thought Roxy told you."

"She did, later. Much later."

Dirk pursed his lips. "He was talking to you about it actually doing it, wasn't he?"

"He talked about it," Jane admitted, taking another drink. "Quite a bit, actually. I just wasn't sure if I should tell you. I didn't want you to think I was instigating something," she confessed guiltily.

"Jane," he said, taking the hand not holding her drink. It was far past time they made amends, and Dirk would be damned if he let this perfect opportunity pass him by. "You would never purposefully try to sabotage me, I know that."

Jane smiled sadly, then with a little more spirit. "Thank you, Dirk." And then she laughed, startling the slightly older boy. It started out small and then grew until she felt the need to clap a hand over her mouth. "I can't believe we were fighting because of him!"

Dirk cocked an eyebrow. He had to agree. "When did you change your mind?" he asked.

After she calmed down a bit the Crocker girl explained, "When he started talking about breaking up with you, I was sort of excited at first, even though I felt bad," she admitted. "After a while I started getting sick of it, though. It was all so self-centered. And when I heard about how he dumped you, both from him and Roxy, I realized, he just isn't the sort of person I want to be romantically involved with. Oh!" she exclaimed, looking at the serious expression on Dirk's face. "Is this… Is this too soon?" she asked.

Dirk shook his head and smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry about it." His mind had actually drifted to the red-eyed Alternian on the floor below. He should probably go and find the boy later. "It definitely isn't too soon. We just… We were looking for different things I guess. And I think I-" He cut off. As much as he wanted to talk about Karkat, he wasn't sure if that was a good idea at this point. It was still way too early to tell, really.

"You what?" Jane asked. "Wait, is there somebody else?" She started to get a little excited, almost like Roxy would. The two girls really were besties.

"Sort of," Dirk hedged.

Jane tilted her head, thinking. "Oh," she gasped for the second time that night. "It's not one of Dave's friends is it?" she asked, one part scandalized and two parts excited. Whatever was in that drink was probably stronger than she was used to having.

"Yeah, but we've talked before. Online," He admitted. He refused to give Karkat's name. The boy seemed a little shy for all his blustering, and having Dirk draw attention to their not-quite relationship would probably send him running. "That was some pretty good sleuthing you did just then."

"Di-irk!" Jane teased. "I can sleuth that you don't want to talk about it right now, too. Do you want to head back downstairs? Maybe you should try to find him."

"Sure," Dirk replied. Maybe he could find a way to talk to Karkat without all of their friends interfering. It was crowded, after all, making it easy to hide amongst the other bodies. It was amazing how easily one could find solitude in a sea of people.

He followed the Crocker girl downstairs, keeping by her side until she rejoined Roxy, who was talking with Sollux and Equius about some sort of virus. Jane struck up a conversation with Aradia and Feferi, who looked about as lost as Crocker would have been had she tried to join the other conversation.

Dirk wandered around the bar for a few minutes, trying in vain to spot the shorter boy. It would have been easier if his clothes weren't so dark. It was just by chance that Dirk glanced over to the far wall when he heard a raucous laugh. Jake, it seemed, was already well into his cups, as were Ampora and Serket. Dirk was pleased to note the John and Nitram were behaving, even if they were having a glaring match. Movement above the group's head caught his eye, and Dirk moved his gaze just enough to catch Karkat heading up the stairs.

Figures, he thought as he crossed the room for a second time, finally managing to reach the stairs. He squeezed past a couple heading down and made a beeline for the bar. Vantas had already taken up there, and was just receiving a beer when Dirk sat down next to him.

Dirk snatched the drink before Karkat could even touch it. "You're too young for that," he whispered low enough to be unheard by the bartender. He took a swig of the beverage himself before the underage boy could protest.

"Asshole," he snapped, crossing his arms.

"Why are you up here anyway?"

Karkat huffed. "I just wanted to get some alone time without everyone and their grandmother sticking in their nose into my business."

"I know what you mean. It can get pretty annoying when people refuse to take the hint and leave you alone when all you want is some peace and quiet." He leaned on the counter a little closer to Karkat than was strictly necessary.

The red-eyed teen moved away until he realized what Dirk was doing. He sat up straight once more and looked straight ahead. "Were you born this obnoxious, or is there some sort training program?"

"You called it. I'm a certified nooksniffer; graduated at the top of my class," he replied proudly, earning a scowl from Vantas.

"What did I do to deserve this?" He asked no one in particular.

"This is what you get for trying to be a troll. It's called karma," he smiled wider when Karkat whipped his head around to stare at him.

Vantas didn't respond at first, but eventually he quirked a smile in return. "Karma's a bitch." The smile faded from his face and he lowered his head to look at the countertop.

Dirk felt his own smile slip from his face as he tried to come up with something to say. It was funny how words were always the most elusive whenever they would be really useful. It was so much easier when they were on other ends of an online connection, where he could take a few moments to think about what he wanted to say or be impulsive as he chose. After a moment he tuned into the music playing and looked over his shoulders at the couples dancing behind them. "Want to dance?" he asked, trying to fill the silence.

Karkat looked at him as though he had started spouting Japanese. "What?" he asked, not really confused but clearly missing the point.

"I asked if you wanted to dance with me. And don't you dare tell me you can't dance," he warned, knowing he wasn't exactly a professional either.

"I can dance just fine!" the Alternian snapped. "Just not, not like that!" he added, looking at the couples bumping and grinding. He had the decency to blush when he spotted one couple practically having sex in the middle of the floor.

Dirk hoped his more 'sensible' friends weren't subjected to a similar experience downstairs even as he responded, "Don't worry so much. We don't have to copy them exactly."

"But we're also both…" Karkat didn't finish the sentence. It wasn't a denial of his sexuality, but his fear of causing a scene.

Dirk had to wonder if Karkat had gotten into trouble before due to his interest in guys. The thought didn't sit well with the elder Strider. "Anyone who gives us a hard time can go fuck themselves." The words were somewhere between a statement and a snap, but it seemed to be enough for Karkat. He finally grumbled his reluctant agreement and followed the older male onto the dance floor.

It was clear as soon as they were facing each other that neither had any idea what they should do. After a few minutes of trying to decide how exactly they should hold each other to dance, which they also weren't sure how they would dance, Karkat had a moment of 'fuck it.' He turned around and pressed back into Dirk. Startled by the move, Dirk threw his arm around the boy's waist. He was even more surprised when the hoodie gave way and he could feel how slender the Alternian was. He'd thought there was a little more hidden underneath the black fabric.

Taking advantage of Dirk's surprise, Karkat grabbed Dirk's hands. "This is fine, isn't it?" he asked, somehow trying to look down and up at the same time.

The taller boy realized the shorter was trying to hide the almost unnaturally bright blush on his cheeks. He leaned over Karkat's ear. "This is fine," he exhaled, hoping to get a shiver. All he got were a few Alternian cusses, an elbow to his ribs, and some looks from the other patrons. One couple even had the gall to look at them in disgust and then vacate the dance floor. Dirk thought it was fortunate Karkat was too busy being embarrassed to notice. He might have had a change of heart if he knew how some people were reacting.

"You really don't know how to do this, do you?" Karkat asked as they swayed awkwardly, trying to find some sort of rhythm.

Dirk was glad to be pulled from his somewhat dark thoughts. "Are you really that surprised?" he asked.

"Well," the shorter boy started, tilting his head to look at the elder Strider in his peripheral vision. "Didn't you ever do this with Jake?" he asked.

Dirk halted their motion. "How'd you know he was my ex?"

"He gets jittery every time he looks at you. And despite how well you got along with Serket in Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory she seems to piss you off."

The sunglasses-wearing boy pursed his lips. He was far from irritated, but he was uncertain of how to interpret Karkat's observation. Was Jake having second thoughts, or did he believe Dirk was still heartbroken? "She's fine. I'm more worried about John than Jake, since he's younger and had less experience. And Jake never wanted to do these sorts of things, so I'm just as clueless as you."

Karkat stayed quiet at first. He pushed his hips back slightly against Dirk, encouraging him to get back into their previous rhythm. "Okay." He sounded anything but, and his dance partner had to wonder what cause the sudden change in attitude.

"Since you're interested in Jake, can I ask why you liked my younger brother?"

Karkat winced, pulling his back away from Dirk's chest, but not trying to escape from the taller boy's grip. "I already told you," he snapped. It was almost too quiet for Dirk to hear. Then, he added at a higher volume, "You are a little bit like him, but when it boils down to it you two are nowhere near the same."

That hadn't been what Dirk was asking. It wasn't about whether he was a replacement for his brother. He was genuinely curious; but as he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, he was grateful. His insecurities had come to the forefront, and he was glad Karkat was considerate enough to reassure him.

"Hey, faggots."


	15. Chivalry

AHAHAHA. Guys. I. Am. So. Sorry. ;_;

I'm moving out in a few days and then classes start. Normally this wouldn't be such a problem but between car troubles and essentially needing to go out and purchase an entire kitchen and file a crap-ton paperwork with my school and yada yada you get the point, I'm not going to be updating for 2-3 weeks. I really hate to take another hiatus so soon. It isn't fair to you but I am on the verge of tearing out my hair.

**Trigger Warning:** Homophobia. Also contains a hint of lemon. This chapter is one of the reasons this story is rated T.

I do not own Homestuck. To keep busy while I'm off trying not to commit homicide, see if you can find the reference in this chapter :D

* * *

"Hey, faggots."

It was amazing how those words could bring everything to a screeching halt. Dirk glared at the man who had been hateful enough to call them out. "What the fuck do you want?" he asked, straightening his posture.

"I want you two fucking homos to quit ruining my evening." The guy was clearly drunk.

"Maybe if you weren't so stupid as to come into our personal space, there wouldn't be a problem," Karkat hissed, letting go of Dirk and getting right up into the man's face.

The drunkard shifted back slightly and Dirk saw him pull his arm back. The Strider grabbed Vantas and pulled him back to keep him from being hit. "We'll go," he backed down. It rankled his pride and his sense of fairness and justice, but he honestly wasn't sure if the other patrons would step up and help him and Karkat or hold them down while they were beaten bloody.

Karkat started protesting but Dirk simply pushed him toward the stairs. The calls from the bastard and other patrons followed them all the way down. They were easily heard despite the loud, thrumming music. As soon as the pair reached the first floor Dirk led Karkat out the front door by grabbing his wrist.

"Why the fuck didn't you let me rip him a new one?" Karkat snarled as soon as they were out.

Dirk tightened his grip. The Alternian didn't even so much as flinch. "They could very well have killed us."

The younger relented, knowing he was right. That didn't mean he was happy about it, though.

"Hey," Roxy stumbled out of the bar, followed by a concerned looking Jane and Gamzee. "What happ'n'd? You looked like you'ere gonna murder someone."

"It's fine," Dirk said nonchalantly, still not letting go of Karkat who was starting to get a little pissed at having his wrist trapped. "I'm done for the night, though. I'm going to head back to the hotel."

Roxy made a humming noise. "I'll go too."

Jane looked between Karkat and Dirk. "I'll go as well." Dirk smiled. The Crocker girl was just trying to be a considerate sleuth. She would take care of Roxy so Karkat and Dirk could be alone.

"I might as well join you," Gamzee rasped. Dirk couldn't help but frown. It wasn't as though he was planning on sleeping with Karkat, but Gamzee apparently wanted to play cockblock anyway.

Karkat didn't even respond. He just started walking toward the parking lot, actually pulling Dirk for the first few steps until Dirk's longer legs brought them even to each other. As they walked, Dirk had to wonder how drunk Roxy was to not call them out when he finally let go of Karkat's wrist, but the boy's hand slipped into his larger one.

The short drive back to the hotel was filled mostly by Roxy's intoxicated giggles. At least Gamzee had relented and let Karkat take the front seat this time. Shortly after arriving at the hotel Dirk got another pleasant surprise from the Purple.

"I'll get Roxy to our room," Jane stated as soon as she was out of the car. She started helping the other girl out of the backseat when Makara intervened.

"Let me give you a hand there, Ms. Crocker," he rasped, helping Jane get Roxy on her feet.

Jane looked lost for words when Gamzee helped guide her inebriated friend in the direction of the girls' room. Jane simply walked by Roxy's other side, ready on the very slim chance that the large and physically capable Alternian couldn't keep Roxy completely upright. Since she said nothing, Gamzee continued. "You probably get this all the time, but would you mind if I asked if you're a relation to _the_ Ms. Crocker?"

"I am, though it's a distant relation, obviously," Jane admitted, not commenting on the fact that she did get rather tired of hearing the question.

Gamzee laughed. "It's a motherfucking miracle." Normally this was the part where people would ask if they could get Betty's autograph, or if Jane would give them a secret recipe, or something of the like. But Makara clearly didn't go with the crowd. "Do you have any hobbies, Ms. Crocker?" he asked, trying to get Roxy moving away from the car where Dirk and Karkat stood feeling even more flummoxed than Jane.

"I… bake."

Instead of asking if she could make him something, as would have been par for the course, Gamzee responded, "Well I'll be! I like baking pies and cupcakes myself. Do you have a preference?"

To Dirk's knowledge, no one aside from Roxy had ever asked that question. Jane was equally surprised, and muttered some sort of reply as the trio finally got out of earshot of the pair of males. "I don't believe it. What the fuck?" Karkat half yelled, keeping just quiet enough that the other occupants of the hotel wouldn't be bothered.

"Should I be worried?" Dirk responded.

"You don't need to worry about Jane. Gamzee's fine when he's not talking about his stupid juggalo religion," Karkat dismissed with a wave of his hand. "I just want to know what the fuck his issue is. He kept telling me not to rush into anything, and then he goes and does _that_," he gestured in the direction the trio had gone.

Dirk shrugged. "Maybe he's had a change of heart."

"Whatever," the younger boy huffed. He glanced around awkwardly as though he wasn't sure where to go.

"I think Gamzee's going to be busy for a while. Do you want to come to my room for a while?" Dirk offered.

There was a beat of silence. Karkat watched him carefully, as though trying to decide if there was more to the question than was being said. His teeth closed around his lip ring. It was a nervous habit, apparently. The ring was toyed with for a moment before being released. "Okay." Whatever conclusion the Alternian had come to, he was clearly comfortable with it.

They walked quietly, keeping their hands to themselves this time even after Dirk opened the door. The empty room seemed too small despite having room for four people. And yet as they sat down, on the bed of all places, Dirk couldn't help but feel it was too big, allowing too much space between them.

"So how…" Karkat trailed off, biting his ring yet again. "How does this work?"

Dirk wasn't quite sure he understood. "How does what work?" he asked for clarification.

Karkat glanced at him briefly. Sitting side by side prevented too much eye contact. "This," he threw his arms wide, gesturing to everything.

"You're going to have to be a little more specific, Kar."

There was no way to tell if it was the request for specifics or the nickname, but Dirk couldn't help but feel pleased when Karkat blushed. "I don't know how to have a relationship with a guy, obviously. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what you're expecting. Fuck, I don't even know _you_!" The boy blurted. Judging by the way he clammed up immediately afterward, he had said more than he intended.

They were legitimate concerns though. Dirk took the smaller hand in his for the second time that night. "I write software and build robots," he stated, earning a confused glare from Karkat. "I have a puppet named Lil' Cal and I sew outfits for him, I'm obsessed with katanas, my parents died when I was eighteen, I sing in the shower, and I'm emotionally needy." Once he finished with the list, he waited for Karkat to respond.

"I…" he hesitated again, biting his lip. Dirk's eyes flew to the ring immediately as soon as it was released. "I wish I could write software. My major is Information Technologies but also have a passion for history and culture studies, so I minor in those. I love shitty romcoms. I came to the US because my older brother Kankri was supposed to leave through an exchange program, but gave his spot to me so I wouldn't have to stay. I'm angsty, and probably just as needy as you, but I won't hesitate to tell you off if you're smothering me," the last part, despite being a threat, made Dirk smile. Karkat really wouldn't hesitate to let Dirk know if he was doing something wrong.

The older boy moved closer. The Alternian leaned back slightly, but instead of trying to follow him, Dirk lifted their interlocked hands. He kissed the red-eyed teen's knuckles. Karkat made a noise somewhere between a disgusted snort and a breathless gasp. "I thought you liked shitty romcoms," Dirk teased, though he was a little worried. The uncertainty of whether or not Karkat actually appreciated the gesture somehow made it into his tone, and the other boy picked up on it easily.

"I guess this is the part where I whisper your name and we start the sloppy makeout session," Karkat played along, trying to relieve some of the sudden tension caused by hesitation and nerves.

Dirk managed a smirk, some of his old confidence returning. "I don't know about _sloppy_ makeouts. I am a pretty damn good kisser."

"Arrogant bastard," Karkat muttered, but he didn't pull away when Dirk leaned over. In fact, he leaned in as well. It probably wasn't the best idea, as they almost bumped noses. After a moment they figured it out and managed to press their lips together.

It wasn't quite what Dirk expected. Karkat's lips were thin, probably from all the frowning he did. At least they were fairly soft. The metal of the ring, warm from the heat of Karkat's mouth, was also a rather unusual sensation.

Pretty soon he decided to press his luck and lick the other boy's lips. Karkat kept quiet but didn't protest. Instead he opened his mouth. It was then that things started getting interesting.

At first it was slow and careful. Dirk wasn't sure how sensitive the piercing was, so he did his best to ignore it as he slid his tongue across Karkat's. He felt a small indentation in the muscle for a moment, but before he could put much thought into what had caused it the other tongue was pushing back against his. Suddenly it was a match for dominance.

It didn't last long. They were both doing their best to seduce the other when Karkat's ring briefly caught Dirk's lip. The older boy jerked away with a curse, shaking from the force of arousal that had hit him like a fucking meteorite.

"Did it hurt you?" Karkat asked, genuinely concerned despite the fact that he was trying to catch his breath and wipe a small trail of drool off of his chin at the same time.

Dirk ran shaky fingers through his hair. "No. It was just a really fucking inconvenient time to figure out I have a kink for mouth piercings." He didn't even bother to try to hide his erection when Karkat instinctively glanced at his crotch.

"Fuck," the Alternian muttered, covering his mouth and the 'offending' piece of jewelry. "I, uh, could-"

"No," Dirk cut him off. "You don't have to. Tonight is our first date, after all." He flopped backwards onto the bed. "Just give me a moment to calm down."

Karkat looked uncertain for a moment, but then laid on his stomach beside the painfully aroused Strider. "Try to imagine Gamzee in a codpiece."

Dirk scrunched up his face and placed his palm on the center of his forehead. "I wanted a boner-killer, not mentally scarring images that will no doubt haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life."

Vantas snorted. "You're imagining it; I had to fucking see it last year after he lost a bet with Zahaak!"

"I am so sorry," the older boy replied, genuinely sympathetic. He turned his head to get a better look at Karkat, who was resting his own head on folded arms.

"Do you ever take off the glasses?" Karkat asked.

"Not usually," Dirk replied. "Did you want me to?"

Karkat stayed quiet. Slowly he reached out, giving Dirk plenty of time to push his hand away if he wanted. Instead he allowed the younger male to remove his shades and place them on the nightstand. "They're so orange!" Karkat mumbled into his forearms.

They stayed like that for a while, only bothering to move when they heard voices coming down the hall that were unmistakably their friends. Karkat slipped off the bed slowly. It was clear he was in no rush, but eventually he walked out the door. Dirk heard him exchange some words with Jake on the other side of the door, but the voices were too low for him to hear. He closed his bright orange eyes. He felt too tired to bother changing out of his jeans. It was easier to just scoot up the bed and bury his face in a pillow. He didn't want Jake, or even Sollux or Equius, to see him grinning like a lovestuck fool.


	16. Mending Tears

Guess who hates being a finance/accounting major right now? :D So, yeah, the first week of classes sucked. But at least I'm moved into my nice apartment and I'm getting along really well with my roommates. Also I love my best friend and I don't know what I would have done without them this week.

Something you probably actually care about: The story will be finishing very soon! I've had the ending planed for a while now, and actually this story ended up being a lot longer than I originally thought it would. I may write a sequel, but I also said that about _Unconditional__ . _Therefore I am making no guarantees about having another story related to this one.

I do not own Homestuck. Thank you for putting up with my multiple breaks. I love you guys.

* * *

"Should we tell them?" Dirk asked as he leaned his hip on the back of the park bench. The wood was old but sturdy as he rested his weight on it.

"Beats me," Karkat shrugged. He kept his hands in his pockets though and didn't move from his seat. He also kept his eyes averted.

Displeased with the noncommittal verbal answer and the negative response from the Alternian's body language, the older boy sat down on the bench next to him. There was a small amount of space between them which Dirk left intentionally. Karkat did look up at him then, scowling. "Is it really that fucking important that you need to throw a tantrum? Are we even technically a couple?" Karkat called Dirk out on his distant behavior.

"I would say so," came the plain reply.

"Gog, how fucking desperate are you?" the younger snapped.

They sat for a moment in irritated silence. The majority of their friends were simply playing in the park. Equius was pushing Nepeta and Jade on the swings. John, Jake, Vriska, Terezi, Aradia, and Tavros were doing some sort of LARPing, Gamzee was hanging from the monkey bars and chatting with Jane while Roxy, Dave, and Sollux argued about Macs and PCs, Feferi, Rose, and Kanaya were talking fashion while looking at the life size chess pieces that were a major attraction of Skaia. No one knew where Ampora disappeared to, but it didn't seem to be putting a damper on anyone's day.

Nope, Dirk and Karkat were doing just fine raining on their own parade without any help.

"I'm not sorry," Karkat finally snapped, though he did move closer.

Dirk sighed. "It's fine. I told you, Jake dumped me because I was clingy. I'm not about to apologize for my twisted personality either."

Vantas laughed quietly. "If relationships are multiplicative instead of additive, even with both of our negative personalities, we'll be fine," he elaborated.

Dirk relaxed more fully onto the bench. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but he didn't mind so much. When Jane waved at him and gestured for him and Karkat to join her and the now upside-down juggalo, though, he was more than happy to leave his seat. He might have been more reluctant to abandon the hard bench if there wasn't a doubt in his mind that Karkat would go with him.

Before they could reach the monkey bars, however, Jake intercepted them. "Pardon me, but could I borrow Dirk for a moment?" he asked Karkat.

"What the fuck makes you think _I_ get to make that decision?" Karkat snapped, glaring daggers at the English boy. The Strider took a good long look at his sort-of-boyfriend's face and made an interesting discovery. The shorter boy scowled and glared a lot. Yet there was a significant difference between the way he glared at Dirk and the way he _glared_ at Jake.

"If you want to talk to me, that's fine," Dirk conceded before Karkat could get truly riled. He appreciated that the Alternian was essentially telling Jake that Dirk could make his own decisions, thank you very much. But now wasn't the time to get into a fight with Jake and leave a bad impression on everyone, or worse, get hurt.

Karkat didn't look too pleased. Eventually he shoved his hands back into his pockets and stalked over toward his Moirail. That left Jake and Dirk by themselves, but apparently it wasn't enough for English. "There's something I'd like to show you on one of the chess fields," Jake explained, moving toward some pieces that were as yet left unexplored by Feferi, Rose, and Kanaya.

Dirk began to get a little suspicious as he followed his former boyfriend. Jake had the same look about him as the day he had dumped Dirk. They halted in front of a knight, which was actually a samurai. Apparently, each of the chessboards scattered throughout the city of Skaia had a different theme. "I thought you might enjoy these," Jake elaborated when Dirk said nothing. The Strider took a moment to examine the black marble figure. The piece was rather imposing, and beautifully crafted, and Dirk did enjoy looking at it, but his suspicious feeling didn't subside.

"What did you want to talk about?" Dirk asked, keeping his eyes on the statue. He was well aware Jake was less likely to talk about anything important if he thought Dirk was staring at him.

Dirk internally cursed himself. Why was he still being so accommodating?

"Actually, I, um, wanted to apologize. The way I dumped you, I believe, was rather harsh." At this Dirk looked at the other boy reflexively. Jake continued, "I spent days agonizing over how to say it." From what Dirk knew, it was actually more than a few days. "And no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it still didn't come out right. And then… Well, I realized I made a truly grievous error." Suddenly Dirk wished he had just stayed with Karkat, Jane, and Gamzee. "I still have rather strong feelings for you, Dirk."

"I'm going to have to stop you there," Dirk cut Jake off. Saying the taller boy was mad would have been a slight exaggeration, but the emotions he was experiencing were fairly close. "First off, the way you dumped me was pretty shitty, and it really made me furious. And I was really broken-hearted for a while. But then I realized I wasn't being fair. _To myself_."

"What do you mean?"

The English boy was genuinely confused, so Dirk continued. "You had me thinking that it was all my fault. That my defective personality was the issue, and that I should have tried harder. But it was you too. You never told me when things bothered you. You were always evasive and uncommunicative about our relationship, even though you were happy to talk about anything else. And I never told you when that pissed me off, so we're both to blame." It was plainly stated, and Dirk felt immensely better to have finally said it.

The English boy considered the words for a moment. "Well, we can work out the problems, now that I understand it better."

"No, Jake."

The boy blinked a few times at the abrupt answer. "I beg your pardon?"

Dirk audibly sighed. His frustration welled up a little, but subsided as he took a deep breath. "You've been making goo-goo eyes at Serket ever since we got here. And even before that, I…" he trailed off, remembering that Karkat wasn't ready to say anything yet. Dirk would respect that for now, since it was early in their relationship, but he wasn't going to continually subordinate his own wishes the same way he had for Jake.

"You what? Wait, were you cheating on me?"

At that, Dirk exploded, the burst of anger coming unexpectedly for both boys. "No, I was too stupid in love with you to remember that cheating was even an option! A few months ago I met somebody that I really enjoyed talking to, but I never, never would have cheated on you. Why would you assume I was doing something wrong, that _you_ were some sort of victim? Couldn't it just be that I fell in love with someone new? And, yes, it is the guy that I met while we were still dating, but I didn't even consider it a possibility until very recently, well after you had dumped me in a very self-centered manner!"

"You tell him!" came a feminine cry.

Dirk, who hadn't even realized that he had gotten into his ex-boyfriend's face, backed off at the sudden cheer. He turned around to see every single person he had come to Skaia with staring at him from behind the chess pieces. Including Karkat.

Jake turned peony while Dirk addressed the group. "Enjoying the show?" he asked. Everyone shuffled their feet awkwardly. He tried to catch Karkat's eye, but the boy kept his head down, and even pulled his hood over his head. "What are you even doing here?" he asked when no one responded.

Roxy, the one who had blown everyone's cover, offered an explanation. "Well, I followed Jane," at this the Crocker girl turned even redder than Jake. "And then Gamzee and Sollux followed us. And then everyone else tagged along. Except Ampora was already here," she clarified, pointing at the teen hiding behind the King piece.

"Great," Dirk facepalmed. "Well, there's nothing more to see here. Go about your business," he waved them off, approaching the group at the same time. More specifically, he was trying to see if he could get a glimpse of Karkat's expression. The boy turned on his heel, though, and walked away, leading the rest of the group. Dirk hung back to wait for Jake to pass. "I'm sorry for embarrassing you in front of everyone like that, but I stand by what I said."

"I understand," there was clearly some resentment in his tone. Dirk knew he would probably get over it soon, though.

As his ex walked away, Dirk felt relieved. Then he felt startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Bro," Dave muttered the syllable. It went unspoken, but Dirk new his younger brother wanted him to walk back with him. "You alright? That wasn't like you."

Dirk let out a halfhearted chuckle and ran his fingers through his hair as he and his brother trailed behind the rest of the group. "I guess I just lost my temper. He dumped me, and now I'm trying to figure out where I stand with… this other guy," he hedged. The younger quirked his eyebrow, but let his brother get away with it. "I guess it's just stress."

"You earned it. It's not that I don't like Jake. I just always thought you might be happier with someone else," Dave admitted.

This was news to Dirk. He had always thought his brother approved. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Would you have listened?"

Dirk felt a pang in his chest as he realized the answer. "No." He would have completely disregarded his sibling's advice.

Dave sighed, and stopped in his tracks. "You've spent the last seven years taking care of me. You didn't have time for your own relationships. I hope this mystery guy, whoever he is, makes you genuinely happy. If not, he's going to answer to me," he smirked, but Dirk felt the sincerity and love in the statement.

"Little man, you have definitely grown up a lot." He threw his arm over his shorter brother's shoulder as they continued to walk. As they started to catch up with the rest of the group, Dirk pulled him into a full out hug.

"Bro! What are you doing? Bro, knock it off!" Dave yelled. His cries were muffled as Dirk kept an arm wrapped around Dave's head, burying it in the fabric of his favorite t-shirt.

Terezi cackled at the display of brotherly affection. She laughed even harder when Dirk finally let go and everyone could see Dave's embarrassed blush. "That was so adorable. I wish I had a camera!" she wheezed out between her dying giggles.

"I've learned to come prepared," Rose waggled her eyebrows, holding up a small digital camera.

Dave looked mortified. "Rose, delete it."

"I'm afraid I can't do that." She laughed and dodged as Dave made a grab for the device.

"Rose, I want a copy!" Terezi shouted, following the duo as her boyfriend chased the other blonde.

Karkat facepalmed. "How fucking childish," he muttered under his breath. Since Dirk was doing his damndest to get near the boy unnoticed he managed to hear it.

"Do you miss your brother?" He asked.

Karkat didn't even flinch. "Kankri died three years ago. I miss him, but I don't let it ruin my day-to-day living," came the quiet response. Everyone but the older friends and Karkat had joined in the game of keep away.

"Sorry," Dirk responded as he watched Nepeta toss the camera to Aradia.

There was a brief silence. It was far from awkward, but Karkat broke it with a question posed to the group. "We should get going if we're going to see that stupid concert. Who's performing anyway?"

"I think it was Noir & Jack," Jane responded.

Roxy grabbed her friend around the shoulders. "Oooh, this is going to be exciting! I hear they're really good!"

Roxy's almost-yell attracted everyone else's attention, distracting them long enough for Dave to steal the camera from Kanaya. Admittedly, Kanaya hadn't been trying very hard to keep it away from him in the first place.

"Aww, Kanaya," John whined as Dave deleted the picture.

The girl simply shrugged her shoulders as the group made their way toward the parking lot so that they could see one of Skaia's most popular musical acts.


	17. Full Circle

To celebrate the dropping of one of my two finance classes, the tag on this story is getting updated from Incomplete to Complete!

I really want to thank everybody who has faved/followed/reviewed this story. This goes for Users and Anons alike The positive feedback has really brightened my mood when I was feeling down, and the critiques (even though there really weren't that many) helped me to know where I needed to improve or where I was already doing better. I hope that more people will find it and add to my feedback once I update the completed status, but everyone who kept up with the story (even with two hiatuses) will always be super special to me.

On a less touchy-feely note, This will be my last Homestuck story for a while. I've got a few other projects I want to start. Odds of this getting a sequel are about 25%. Odds of the sequel being started before the semester ends are 0%

I do not own Homestuck. There is so much sugary-sweet fluff in this chapter it will make you sick. Also warning: wannabe-smut

* * *

Karkat shoved at Dirk gently, managing to flip them over on top of the blankets by tugging on his shirt sleeve. Dirk, uncaring about whether he was on top or bottom considering their clothes were still on, complied happily. At least he was happy until Karkat pulled away and scrambled off of the bed.

"Where are you going?" the older boy queried as he propped himself up on his elbows.

"Hold on a second," Karkat mumbled, grabbing something out of his suitcase and disappearing into his bathroom.

The Strider boy flopped back down on the bed with an over-exaggerated huff. There was a loud curse from the bathroom which made him smile.

Still, he had to wonder what his new-secret-boyfriend was doing. They'd only been making out, and Dirk had no intention of pushing anything further that night, both from fear of rejection and fear of being interrupted. The latter was less likely, as the concert had gone well into the morning. Most of the group had crashed in the room closest to the hotel parking lot, which was Feferi's.

After a few moments of silence, Dirk had to wonder what Karkat's deal was. Granted, Dirk was getting a little more flustered than usual, which he blamed on the Karkat's lip piercing. Yet from what he could tell their makeout session wasn't so intense that Karkat would need to go relieve himself.

More muffled cusses came from the other side of the bathroom door following a loud bang. "Christ, Kar. What are you doing in there?" the young man asked, lifting his head off of the bed. This wasn't the only unusual thing that had happened today. Karkat had seemed nervous ever since they left the park to the point where even Equius had asked if he was alright.

Instead of giving a response, the teen walked out of the bathroom and chucked the case back on top of his bag before rejoining Dirk on the bed. He resumed his previous position of straddling the Strider's hips. It felt a little awkward to the sunglasses-wearing boy, as he was used to being the one doing the straddling, but if Karkat was fine with it then he wasn't complaining.

But as Karkat started to lean in for a kiss, Dirk stopped him with a hand on his chest. "You've been acting really weird," he stated plainly.

Karkat shrugged, pushing Dirk's hand aside and trying to lean in again. Dirk wasn't having it. He quickly flipped them and pinned Karkat's hands at his sides. The boy looked a little panicked but still kept his mouth shut. "What's bothering you? Look, if it's about how we decided to keep quiet about us for now, I'm not mad at you." When Karkat simply stared at him without responding, Dirk continued. "Is it about your brother?" Still no response. "Don't have to go any further than makeouts tonight, if you're worried about that." Even his breathing sounded too quiet. "What is up with you? Where is that bucket of snark you are usually so ready to dump on my head?"

Karkat went from nervous to livid in less than an instant. "Never, EVER, bring up buckets," he snapped. But it was obvious to the other boy that something was off. The intonation and pronunciation were different. It was like he had a marble in his mouth and was trying to talk around it. "And you're ruining the surprise."

"Surprise?" the taller boy responded, genuinely confused. He released Karkat's arms, but the boy didn't bother moving. Instead, he stuck out his tongue as a method of explanation.

Dirk was screwed. He knew that Karkat knew it too as the corners of his lips turned up into a grin. "So the indentation on your tongue is a piercing hole?" Dirk asked unnecessarily as he stared at the piece of metal jutting out of the younger boy's mouth.

"Yeah. I don't usually wear it, but I thought, why not?" he tried to look nonchalant, but Dirk could sense an undercurrent of nervousness.

"Because I like your lip ring?" Dirk prompted.

Karkat's grin faded entirely as he bit said lip ring. "Is that okay?"

"You know, you look really sexy when you bite your lip like that. And now you have a tongue piercing, too, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't a turn-on." Dirk took a breath as Karkat seemed to relax a little. "What I need to know is if you're okay. Because, seriously, if you try teasing me, and I mean _at all_, I can't guarantee my self-control," he admitted. It rankled that Karkat had found a way to push him to the edge, and only after having just met in person a few days ago. But he was not going to risk forcing Karkat into something he didn't want.

"I'm perfectly fine with that." It was stated so simply that Dirk hesitated.

"Why?" the older boy had to ask. Would Karkat really be okay with having sex with someone he had only met two days ago?

"You aren't the type of person to lie. You told Jake you were falling in love with me, and, well, I think I'm falling for you too." It was all said with a straight face and direct eye contact. For a moment Dirk couldn't say anything. His heart simply stuttered for a moment as he tried to let that sink in.

Apparently, the silent stare was too much for Karkat. He turned his face to the side and added, "Even though you're the biggest nooksniffer I know."

Dirk couldn't help it. He laughed. Karkat, thinking he was being laughed at, started cussing and trying to struggle away. Dirk simply let his full weight rest on the Alternian and tried to muffle his laughter in Karkat's Cancer shirt. "I'm sorry," he wheezed. "That was just so cheesy!"

"Let go of me! I'm going back to my room!"

"No, no," Dirk chuckled. "Please. I just wasn't expecting that." He turned them onto their sides and pulled Karkat into a hug, trapping the younger boy's arms between their torsos.

Eventually Karkat gave up the fight, glaring at Dirk in a familiar way that was becoming more and more endearing. "You suck," the boy muttered.

"I love you, too," Dirk smiled, kissing his forehead. Karkat mumbled a few curses.

When it was clear that they were staying put, Karkat finally settled into his boyfriend's hold. It wasn't long before both of them drifted off to sleep. Their nap only lasted a few hours as Jane, ever the early bird, knocked on the door to remind the pair that they were supposed to eat breakfast at the hotel restaurant. Roxy needed to be at the airport soon and the other three friends needed to return home.

As Dirk pushed the last pieces of pancake around his place, he contemplated what was going to happen next. Jake was having no luck with Vriska, Rose and Kanaya were giggling about something, Jane was trying her best not to look at Gamzee who kept smiling at her. Roxy was still having a debate with Sollux, this time over computer processors, while Dave was chatting with Terezi, and Jade was going back and forth between Nepeta and Tavros.

Vantas sat by his side, quietly devouring a bacon strip. "Dave said he was taking a trip with Terezi to New York over the spring break," Dirk stated nonchalantly.

The statement had the desired effect. Karkat stopped nibbling on the meaty strip and glanced sideways at Dirk. "I don't have any plans," he replied. His pronunciation was back to normal, as he had opted to take the piercing out before eating. He had also promised not to wear it again unless it was a special occasion, out of courtesy for his partner's sanity.

"You don't have a car, but I could pick you up and take you back to my place. Or if your housemates don't mind, we could stay at yours," Dirk offered.

"I think we should go to your place," Karkat replied before picking up his bacon strip once more. "I want to see where you grew up," he muttered around the meat as he went back to nibbling.

Dirk was flattered, but at the same time felt like Karkat didn't want anyone else to see, even if they _had_ to know if Dirk came to get him. He kept quiet, understanding that being secretive truly wasn't his boyfriend's intention. It was shyness that kept him quiet. His suddenly perverted mind wondered if Karkat would be loud during sex.

All too soon the meals were paid for and they headed out to the parking lot to say their final goodbyes. There were hugs and handshakes from everyone. There were especially huggy farewells from the four younger relatives. When Dirk went to say his goodbye to Karkat, though, the young man was conspicuously absent. "Where's Karkat?" he asked the group at large, wondering if maybe he had just gone to the bathroom.

"I saw him run back inside," Gamzee responded. "He was in a motherfucking hurry."

Jake sighed, moving to the driver's side. Since Dirk had slept far less the prior night, he had asked the English boy to drive. "I hate to say it, but we can't very well dally if we're to get Roxy to the airport on time!" Jake stated, sliding into the seat.

"Aw, I wanted to give him a goodbye hug. He's so angsty and adorable," Roxy laughed, sliding into the passenger side seat. Jane sat down in the back, and Dirk followed suit.

He closed his eyes, feeling a little hurt as Jake started the car. The emotion was short lived, as he heard a shout of, "Wait!"

Karkat came bounding down the stairs, clutching a manila envelope. The crowd parted for him as he walked up to Dirk's window and gently knocked on the glass. Pleased to see Karkat, and curious as to what was going on, Dirk obediently rolled down the window. "Here," the younger boy stated, pushing the envelope through the opening. Dirk took it hesitantly. "Don't open it till you get back home."

Finished, he stepped back so that Jake would be unable to run over his feet. Everyone looked at Karkat strangely. It was rather unusual behavior for him to say the least.

The Strider read his name on the envelope. Everyone in the car looked like they wanted to ask but were afraid to say something. Half a minute passed, and Jake decided that since nobody was saying anything they might as well begin the drive to the airport. Just as he turned to face front again Dirk made a decision.

"Hold this," he told Jane, handing her the envelope. He opened the door and stepped out of the car. It was obvious he was a man on a mission, so everyone else took a step back as he approached Karkat. Some of them took a step forward again when Dirk grabbed the Alternian by the shoulders and gave him an open-mouthed kiss.

Karkat stayed put and complied. His calm attitude only lasted as long as the kiss, however. "Don't just fucking grab me like that! What the hell is your problem?"

"Absolutely nothing," Dirk smiled, escaping back into the car before his boyfriend could whack him upside the head. Jane smiled and gave him a thumbs-up as he buckled his seatbelt. "You can go now, Jake," the Strider stated when the other boy turned around to stare at him slack-jawed.

At being addressed so suddenly Jake put the car into drive and sped off, leaving Karkat to deal with his surprised friends.

"What. The. Hell?" Dave asked, breaking the silence.

Karkat, despite his blush, managed to smirk confidently. "I'm dating your brother."

The two stared at each other for a few minutes. "If you hurt him, I swear to God I will make you regret it."

The threat was easily shrugged off by the Alternian. "Then I guess I have nothing to worry about," he replied with a touch of snark.

Dave smiled at the cocky response. Karkat, he knew, was very devoted when he cared about someone. The younger brother had known that even before making the threat. "Alright. I guess we should all start heading back too. We have class tomorrow, and like hell I'm sitting through another lecture on Chopin with only two hours of sleep." He stretched his arms over his head, signaling to all of the other bystanders that the conversation was over.

Terezi, however, still had to put her two cents in. "Karkat," she called out as her former lover followed Gamzee. He turned around. His apprehension was written on his face, but she just smiled her toothy grin. "I'm really happy for you."

For the first time since they'd broken up, the duo shared a genuine smile.

* * *

timaeusTestified began trolling at 6:12pm

TT: Kar

TT: That was the shittiest drawing ever.

CG: What the fuck did you expect?

CG: I only had like 20 minutes to work on it!

TT: Is that supposed to be us?

CG: I'm sorry we can't all be Picasso, you damn nooksniffer.

TT: Picasso's stuff made more sense than this.

CG: Then you can just fucking burn it for all I care. See if I ever try to do anything nice for you again.

TT: Burn it? No way in hell. This is going to go in the fanciest frame I can buy, and I'm going to hang it just inside my front door, so that everyone who comes in can see the world's shittiest drawing of all time.

CG: What the fuck? Why are you being such an asshole?

TT: An asshole? It's a compliment.

CG: How in the fuck is this supposed to be a compliment? You're making fun of me!

TT: I am not.

TT: It is a really shitty drawing. But you drew it for me, and you put your heart into it. It is the greatest piece of art I will ever see in my life.

TT: I want to be able to tell everyone I know that my boyfriend is a wonderful human being who thinks of me and gives me the best gifts ever because he lurrrvs me.

CG: You are such a sap.

TT: I love you too.


End file.
